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Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item" ![]() Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️🌈 ![]() ![]() As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful ![]() ![]() ![]() Thank you for asking me to read this story, a tale that relates the devestation that war wreaks on a peaceful village. It could be ripped from today's headlines where war wages in more than one location and otherwise peaceful civilians find themselves trapped in horrific violence. This kind of violence is made possible when propaganda dehumanizes the enemy and turns humans into "others." Stories like this help to break that cycle by exposing the humanity we all share. ![]() Your opening does a good job of orienting the readers by answering some of the basic who/what/when/where questions. You name your eventual protagonist, Emam, and put her in action, enjoying a local festival in her village. This is all to the good, but I think there's room for improvement. Consider, for exmaple, the opening paragraph. A festival was in full swing, and the entire village had gathered to celebrate. Zee and Eman, two true friends, were enjoying the festivities together. This does the things I mentioned above, but it does so through narration. By this, I mean that there's someone standing outside the here-and-now of the story telling us what's happening. The two key aspects are, first, that narration puts the reader outside the fictional world and, second, that it's telling rather than showing. The easiest way to put the reader inside the fictional world is to put them inside your protagonist's head as she experiences the festival. Maybe she grips Zee's hand as the merry festival crowd surges around them. Maybe the steamy scents of sausages roasted on street vendor's cart makes her stomach growl. Perhaps it's something else--the festival is alive in your imagination, so bring it to life the readers' imaginations by having Emam interact with her surroundings by sensing and feeling. At the same time, you can convey the essential information about Emeam and Zee. If they are holding hands, for example, that shows they are true friends. If the festival crowd surges around them, that shows that there's a festival by the crowd's actions. There's a subtle difference between showing and telling, but it's an important one. In the examples above, the focus is on Emam and what she's experiencing as she interacts with the fictional world. Giving her actions and sensations only she can know helps to put readers in her head and, through her, to connect them to the fictional world. This is espeically important when the invasion shatters the merry world of the festival. If readers are inside that world, they will feel the emotional shock of the sudden loss and the horrific sights that follow. This connection with the fictional world, before and after the invasion, would enhance the main message of the story. The dual problem with narration and telling is that they distance the reader from the fictional world and from the lived experience of the characters. Instead, you want the characters right there in the here-and-now of Emam's head as she experiences these things. SHowing rather than telling exacts a cost in terms of length--it's likely to take more words than narration and telling--but this story and its message is worth it. Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream. Indeed, and especially in a story with as important a theme as this one, putting the readers inside Eman's head--and thus inside the fictional world--is a powerful way to enhance the theme. ![]() At the start, Emam just wants to enjoy the festival with her bestie Zee. Everything changes when the soldiers from the nameless "enemy" show up and start a massacre. The remainder of the plot consists of her escaping, then returning to fight back, and finally her despair. This is a powerful arc. ![]() This story uses an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader what's going on. The narration is largely told rather than shown. My main suggestion for this story is to focus on Emam's lived experiences as she encounters each event. What are the smells and sounds? How does she physically react? Does fear grip her belly? Do tears blur her vision? Does she hear the snap of rifles firing and smell the acrid scent of gunpowder? Does blood smear her hands when she finds her friend's cold and lifeless body? What does it feel like as she touches his cheek, and what emotions churn inside her? SHow all of this through her, as her body quakes and bile sours her throat. Put the reader in her head and you will hav put them inside this suddenly horrible world. ![]() I think deliverately did not name the village nor the enemy. This contributes to the universality of the message--it could be ANY village and ANY enemy. This is about the horrors that warfare brings to the innocent, not about demonizing the soldiers. ![]() I can tell that this is all to real in your imagination. The challenge is to make real in the readers' imaginations as well, which is the point of the above comments. ![]() One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. All of the comments above and the line-by-line remarks below relate to this theory of fiction. THis is a story with an important message--a message made more compelling by headlines from around the world. It's a paean against war and the devestation that it brings to the helpless and innocent. Thank you for writing it, and for sharing it. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. ![]() ![]() Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! Max Griffin Please visit my website and blog at https://new.MaxGriffin.net |