*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/forums/message_id/2179754
Printer Friendly Page Tell A Friend
(167)
Rated: ASR · Message Forum · Other · #101179
All invited, Speak your mind, got a New Story?, Opinion?, Need help?, Like a story?.
<< Previous  •  Message List  •  Next >>
Reply  •  Post New
Dec 28, 2010 at 12:05pm
#2179754
Re: First paragraph of a story that I am obsessing over.
by Lornel
Hi, Mike! I'm new here but I'll give this a shot.

I find your paragraph has beautiful descriptions, misplaced commas and poor grammar in places. It's not clear what or who the story is about. If it's about summer, fine, what do you have planned to keep a reader interested? But if it's about Adam, then I'd start with Adam. Written as is, 'One such' should begin a new paragraph.

Overall, it does make sense but the flow could be much better with a few tweaks.
MESSAGE THREAD
First paragraph of a story that I am obsessing over. · 12-07-10 1:29am
by Mike Blane
*Star* Re: First paragraph of a story that I am obsessing over. · 12-28-10 12:05pm
by Lornel
Re: First paragraph of a story that I am obsessing over. · 12-29-10 12:18am
by s
Re: First paragraph of a story that I am obsessing over. · 12-30-10 2:02pm
by Jordan Richelle

The following section applies to this forum item as a whole, not this individual post.
Any feedback sent through it will go to the forum's owner, The Milkman.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/forums/message_id/2179754