Evolution of love

The inspirational leader

From my childhood I have heard of seeing God everywhere and in everything, and then I can really enjoy the world, but as soon as I mix with the world, and get a few blows from it, the idea vanishes.
I am walking in a street thinking that God is in every man, and a strong man comes along and gives me a push and I fall flat on the footpath. Then I rise up quickly with a clenched fist, and the blood has rushed to my head, and the reflection goes.
Immediately I have become mad. Everything is forgotten; instead of encountering God I see the devil. Ever since we were born we have been told to see God in all. Every religion reaches that - see God in everything and everywhere.
Never mind failures; they are quite natural, they are the beauty of life, these failures.
What would life be without them? It would not be worth having if it were not for struggles. Where would be the poetry of life? Never mind the struggles, the mistakes. I never heard a cow tell a lie, but it is only a cow, never a man.
So never mind these failures, these little backslidings; hold the ideal a thousand times, and if you fail a thousand times, make the attempt once more.
The ideal of man is to see God in everything.

Even before the period of mourning (after my father's death) was over I had to knock about in search of a job.
Starving and barefooted I wandered from office to office under the scorching noon-day sun with an application in my hand; one or two intimate friends, who sympathized with me in my misfortunes, accompanying me sometimes.
But everywhere the door was slammed in my face. This first contact with the reality of life convinced me that unselfish sympathy was a rarity in the world. There was no place in it for the weak, the poor and the destitute.
I noticed that those, who only a few days ago would have been proud to help me in any way, now turned their face against me, though they had enough and to spare. Seeing all this, the world sometimes seemed to me to be the handiwork of the devil.

One day, weary and footsore, I sat down in the shade of the Ochterlony monument in the Maidan. Some friends of mine happened to be there, one of whom sang a song about the overflowing grace of God, perhaps to comfort me.
It was like a terrible blow on my head. I remembered the helpless condition of my mother and brothers, and exclaimed in bitter anguish and despondency: “Will you please stop that song?!!
Such fancies may be pleasing to those, who are born with a silver spoon in their mouth and have no starving relatives at home. Yes, there was a time, when I too thought like that. But today, before the hard facts of life, it sounds like grim mockery”.
My friend must have been wounded. How could he fathom the dire misery that had forced these words out of my mouth? Sometimes when I found that there were not enough provisions for the family and my purse was empty, I would pretend to my mother that I had an invitation to dine out and remain practically without food. Out of self-respect I could not disclose the fact to others.
My rich friends sometimes requested me to come to their homes and gardens to sing. I had to comply when I could not avoid it. I did not feel inclined to express my woes before them nor did they try themselves to find out my difficulties. A few among them sometimes used to ask me: “Why do you look so pale and weak today?"
Only one of them came to know about my poverty without my knowledge, and now and then sent anonymous help to my mother, by which act of kindness he put me under a deep debt of gratitude. …

In spite of all these troubles, however, I never lost faith in the existence of God nor in His Divine Mercy.

Every morning taking His name I got up and went out in search of a job. One day my mother overheard me and said bitterly: "Hush you fool, you are crying yourself hoarse for God from your childhood, and what has He done for you?"
I was stung to the quick. Doubt crossed my mind: "Does God really exist?" -
I thought: "and if so, does He really hear the fervent prayer of man?
Then why is there so much woe in His benign Kingdom?
Why does Satan rule in the realm of Merciful God?"
Pandit Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar’s words:
“If God is good and gracious, why then do millions of people die for want of a few morsels of food at times of famine?” rang in my ears with bitter irony. I was exceedingly cross with God. It was also the most opportune moment for doubt to creep into my heart.

It was ever against my nature to do anything secretly. On the contrary it was a habit with me from my boyhood not to hide, even my thoughts from others through fear or anything else. So it was quite natural for me now to proceed to prove before the world that God was a myth or that even if He existed, to call upon Him was fruitless.
Soon the report gained currency that I was an atheist and did not scruple to drink or even frequent houses of ill fame. This unmerited calumny hardened my heart still more.
I openly declared that in this miserable world there was nothing reprehensible in a man, who seeking for a brief respite, would resort to anything.
Not only that, but if I was once convinced of the efficacy of such a course I would not, through fear of anybody, shrink from following it.
"I hate this world, this dream, this horrible nightmare, with its churches and chicaneries, its books and blackguardisms - its fair faces and false hearts - its howling righteousness on the surface and utter hollowness beneath and, above all, its sanctified shop-keeping".

March 2, 1884: I am now studying the views of the atheists. A garbled report of the matter soon reached the ears of the Master and his devotees in Calcutta.
Some of these came to me to have a first-hand knowledge of the situation and hinted to me that they believed in some of the rumors at least.
A sense of wounded pride filled my heart on finding that they could think me so low. In an exasperated mood I gave them to understand plainly that it was cowardice to believe in God through fear of hell and argued with them as to His existence or non-existence quoting several Western philosophers in support.
The result was that they took leave of me with the conviction that I was hopelessly lost, and I was glad. I thought, Sri Ramakrishna perhaps also would believe that and this thought filled me with uncontrollable pique
"Never mind", - I said to myself: "if the good or bad opinion of a man rests upon such flimsy foundation, I don’t care".
But I was amazed to hear later that the Master had, at first, received the report coldly, without expressing an opinion one way or the other.
And when one of his favourite disciples, Bhavanath, said to him with tears in his eyes:
"Sir, I could not even dream that Narendra could stoop so low".
He was furious and said: "Hush you fool, the Mother has told me that it can never be so. I shan’t be able to look at you, if you speak to me again like that".

But notwithstanding these forced atheistic views, the vivid memory of the Divine Visions I had experienced since my boyhood, and especially after my contact with Sri Ramakrishna, would lead me to think that God must exist and there must be some way to realize Him.
Otherwise life would be meaningless. In the midst of all troubles and tribulations I must find that way. Days passed, and the mind continued to waver between doubt and certainty. My pecuniary wants also remained just the same. …

Henceforth I became deaf to the praise and blame of worldly people. I was convinced that I was not born like others to earn money and maintain my family much less to strive for sense pleasures. I began secretly to prepare to renounce the world like my grandfather.
I fixed a day for the purpose and was glad to hear that the Master was to come to Calcutta that very day.
“It is lucky”, - I thought: “I shall leave the world with the blessings of my Guru”. As soon as I met the Master he pressed me hard to spend that night with him at Dakshineshwar. I made various excuses, but to no purpose. I had to accompany him. There was not much talk in the carriage. Reaching Dakshineshwar I was seated for some time in his room along with others, when he went into a trance. Presently he drew near me and touching me with great tenderness, began to sing a song, with tears in his eyes.
I had repressed my feelings so long but they now overflowed in tears. The meaning of the song was too apparent. He knew of my intentions.
The audience marveled at the exchange of feeling between us. When the Master regained his normal mood, some of them asked the reason of it, and he replied with a smile:
“Oh, it was something between him and me!”
Then at night he dismissed the others and calling me to his side said:
“I know you have come for the Mother’s work and won’t be able to remain in the world. But for my sake, stay as long as I live”.
Saying this he burst into tears again. The next day with his permission I returned home.