Everyday Canvas

The Faces of Perfectionism

Truth be told, I like perfectionists. If it weren’t for them, we were still trying to build fires in front of our caves. If we didn’t want perfection in our world, we wouldn’t want peace, love, and brotherhood/sisterhood. If certain scientists didn’t care for perfection we wouldn’t have electricity, internet, and the keyboards we write on while answering this prompt. Being a perfectionist is fine as long as the attempt to perfection is directed toward a goal or to the task at hand, and not to our own or others’ judgment of us.

If perfection is aimed at how others will think of us or our work, we are introducing judgment and self-righteousness, by thinking we need to be better than the others or best in anything. Thus comes the idea that, since we didn’t rise to perfection, we may be unworthy of adoration, love, and belonging, or we are not special, but something ordinary. This sight of our vulnerability makes us feel shame and clam up. Let’s face it, no one, even the smartest and the most capable, is always best at everything.

Shame is universal and it needs judgment and secrecy to thrive. Both our own personal judgment and thinking that others are using that judgment against us foster the negativity of shame, because pride and narcissism, as much as we deny those inside ourselves, are often the sisters of shame. If we didn’t care about our place in society and what others would think, we wouldn’t feel shame. From this point of view, shame happens to people who need to connect to others. Those without the ability of connection to others, and as a long stretch, to their own selves, wouldn’t feel shame.

Then, how do we overcome these feelings of shame when we truly care about the work at hand? I believe the cure for shame is empathy. Empathy for ourselves and for those other perfectionists who feel this shame. Empathy to show that they are not alone, as empathy says, “Me, too! I can fail, too. Sometimes, failure will happen. It is all right, as it is part of our hard work.”

==================

Prompt: Is there a relationship between perfectionism and feelings of shame when what we plan to accomplish does not come out quite right? Explore.