Everyday Canvas

"Cruel to be Kind"

Prompt: Have you ever been cruel to be kind? For example, have you told someone the truth, knowing you would upset them? If you don’t want to write about yourself, you can always generalize.

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This prompt makes me think of a song. “I pick myself up off the ground // To have you knock me back down again and again // And when I ask you to explain you say // You gotta be // Cruel to be kind in the right measure.”

Although the song’s overall meaning is different, “in the right measure” makes sense. I wouldn’t want a friend agree with me if I am doing something that eventually would hurt me or someone else, and I would like her or him to be straightforward with me.

Yet, there is always a smoother way of being truthful. Anyone can be gently nudged without reverting to Machiavelli’s dramatic tactics as they are in his book, Prince. A person can at least show her or his disapproval by simply saying, “I don’t agree with this,” or “I think this such and such an action is not right as it might have negative outcomes.”

Acting kindly and being easygoing is an ideal way, but real kindness also means telling the truth. I have been cruel to be kind many times in my life. Anyone who has raised children has to be. Even the softest of parents soon learns that saying no to a child’s wish may sound extremely mean to him, but it is also extremely important for his welfare.

About thirty-five years ago, one of my sons liked a friend who lived across the street from us. He would get so excited about playing with his friend that he would impulsively rush across the street without checking the traffic. So I forbid him to cross the street without me being there. He hated this, but I stuck to my word. Then I trained him by making him stop, look to his left, to his right, then again to his left—since the road had a ninety-degree curve to the left—and finally cross the street without running. After several practices, he finally learned to safely cross the street. Still, I walked down to the curb and checked him for quite a while. To this day, he tells me, “I was six years old and you didn’t let me cross the street by myself.” I tell him, “Yes, it is true, but I am very glad you’re still alive.”

The same goes for when a friend asks for help. If one cannot provide adequate help, it is better to say no in the beginning, even if saying no sounds cruel, so that the friend can look for help in other places. If one says yes and then avoids giving that help, this action hurts the friend even more than saying no.

Tough love is a very real kind of love and is truly needed from time to time. If some rulers and presidents had better and braver advisers who told them the truth about their decisions, the world wouldn't be in the mess it is in, today. On the personal level, as much as it hurts me to be cruel to someone, if my words or actions can protect that person from herself or himself, I feel I have done the right thing.