Wondering about my Wanderings

Continued Meanderings About Grief

I am undergoing more of the empty next syndrome. The grief reminds me just how important my children are. It hit me hardest when my daughter drifted away just recently.

It started innocently enough. She is getting ready to embark on an adventure to receive her doctorate in chemistry. I am a proud daddy. I was invited to her graduation with the chemistry class and forgot. I needed a reminder call from my ex wife. I felt really awful about forgetting. I work overnights and that makes it even more difficult to make these functions. I kept calling Julie to get directions about where to meet her and after ten or fifteen times of her not picking up the phone I called my ex wife and got directions. I apologized to my daughter for messing up and she dismissed it as something she too forgot about.

I ate out with her on father's day at an Italian restaurant. My other two kids are raising families and I celebrate that my sons are dads. Julie is the last one that is officially leaving the nest. I learned this in the weeks to follow. On this day I mentioned to her that it would to great if she could go with me to Massachusetts with me. She was all excited telling me what a marvelous adventure that would be. I would be more fun than going with her mom and grandmother on a trip.

I began to talk with my family about the prospects of the trip. They were excited. They had not seen her in about seven years. My sister offered to pay for the tickets. In the middle of June Julie decided she did not want to go. Thing were too busy and she could not find the time. She was taking a lab course at Kansas University at the time. I felt really awful when she could not go, especially after talking to my family. Julie had told me a week ago that she could only go for a couple days and that was good enough for me.

After this she has refused to answer calls or texts. She did call me two or three times trying to set up times to go back East and then changing her mind shortly thereafter. It was just not going to work. It is hard to let go. I had one very frustrated call into her answering machine about her choosing to go with her mom, which was totally out of line. I let it slip and could not take it back. So I wait. Some part of me wonders if she will ever get back to me. Time will tell.