SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days

Tick, Tick, Tick goes the emotional clock

She brought me Kleenex when I broke down and cried yesterday. I hate the offering of the tissue. I much rather prefer someone to wrap me around my shoulders and whisper in my ear it's going to be alright. And mean it. Times like this I wish my mother was here to console me.

She might've been the only person on this earth who ever truly understood me. Yes, my mother. My dad envied our relationship because we could always talk and sort things out while I was growing up. There was an emptiness in my life then and there is a void in my life now. I cannot explain why I feel so alone in this family, but I do.

I should feel thankful for all that I have and all that I could strive for. But from an early age I was told I had so much ability artistically and with my mathematical skills. I just did not have the right mentor to help me carry forward a plan for my life. I was misguided and misdirected, bouncing from thankless occupation to dead-end job.

I have yet to find my true calling, some salvation that will relieve the addled brain. I'm also reminded there are others who suffer worse than me. I can empathize, but I can't save them if I can't save myself. Though, helping other people seems to cure what aches in my heart just a little.

I cried last night because I told my wife I have had thoughts of wishing I were dead because I feel I'm stalking an empty wasteland, finding no home for my talents wherever I roam. I reject comfort because it does not fill the void, the ache that will likely continue until my dying day. I don't want to toil in anonymity any longer. I find it difficult to appreciate what I've got. There are little moments, but not enough deposits in the emotional bank.

I've witnessed other members lying by the waysides I've traveled here. This site is like a beacon to them, but not all find salvation, their true calling. I worry they set themselves up with too many expectations to be a contributor, role model, someone to rely on. And like me, try to appease others and lose sight of true goals.

Where are those mentors who can help them stop jumping through unnecessary hoops and train their talents toward attainable goals. Many don't suffer from melancholy and depression like the few of us, unable to empathize. If only we could realize true goals, find satisfaction in our deepest abilities to feel and emote artistically on these virtual canvasses laid out before us. Where is the happy medium?