Perpetual Ruminations

Wednesday

This is a copy and paste job, and the actual writing starts below, at the pencil. I was trying to write something, but I couldn't think of anything to write about. That's been typical lately. So, I started with the first thoughts that came to mind, and went from there. It's more like free writing, but different in that it does at least follow a theme of sorts. I did not know what to give for a title, and I did not think it fitting to call, "writing" in the sence of what I set out to do. Even so, I did write and did not want to delete it, so it goes here. Copy and paste -- there it is.

"There's no time like the present", or so they say.

Therefore, I shall write something, even though I have no idea yet what. That's the problem, I just don't know what.

I've started a blog here, just to keep a journal and to write a little every day. I'm hoping I may come up with some ideas to write about, and of course, it's just nice to journal all the ingredients that go into my days, weeks, months, and years. There are a lot of them now, and that is part of the problem. I could write about that, but it is something I have been going on, and on, and then on some more in my journal; let's not go there.

I will point out the biggest factors, time and stress. One is in short supply and the other over abundant right now. It makes getting in here and writing at all, rather difficult at times -- time that is, or should I say, my lack of it. The other, stress, just keeps my mind from going into that place I go when I write.

I will also toss in the fact that things are looking up a bit right now, but since there is so much out of my control, I cannot count on that lasting. In fact, a week ago, it was looking much better, but within a few days it took a complete opposite turn. I know, that's life. So, then why is it messing me up so much now?

I want to write, but I find I often just do not have the time to do it. Then, I find some time, and have no idea what to write. I can sit and come up with writing ideas all day long, when things are working right. But now? Noda! It's not like my mind shut down, it just wont go to that fantastical place within where real and imaginary combine into a medium I can shape and sculpt with pen and words.

I am an introvert. No question about it. I did various tests and exercises in college, and they confirm the same. But, I did not need any test or worksheet to figure it out. No, given the opportunity I would prefer time with self over time with another. In our modern world, however, there is not much time for someone to spend alone.

As a child, in Minnesota's north woods, nestled among numerous vacant mines, I found peace and solitude. I could spend an entire day exploring and never see another person. On some occasions, I would see, or here an intruder in my solitude, but it was easy to slip into cover until they passed. I spent long hours alone with my imagination.

As a young adult, I found myself still trying to find a quiet reprieve to lose myself into. As time passed, this became more and more difficult. Sometimes it required me to slip away into the darkness of night as well. Of course, that isn't always practical, so I created my own solitude, within.

All it takes is some quiet, some time, and some way to write. I turn my thoughts inward and soon I am inside my thoughts, imagination, and emotions. I wander a bit but soon I find something catching my interest and I lose myself to it. This is were it begins, and soon it is flowing strong in my mind, flowing out on paper or screen. After, I find myself refreshed and rested; recharged and ready to face reality again.

It is why I am who I am. I can honestly say I am a writer, I need to write, it is as essential as breathing; I cannot function without. Perhaps I would not even survive. Sure, I can imagine a great story, but it does not truly manifest itself without writing it. I can tell a good yarn, too, but it does not nourish my needs unless I write it. I need to write -- I simply must.

Is it a need, or is it an addiction? I don't know, I really don't. I don't remember a time I didn't have this need. I can remember writing as far back as memory takes me. There was a fictitious character my brother and I created. It soon turned to a family, and we would share wonderful stories about this person and his family.

Of course, being a child, humor was the theme, but even then, it was not enough to tell the stories, I wanted to write them. Since we lived apart, this was often done with letters, the story presented in a comic strip style. There were so many times I would write some silly little story out, just because I had to.

I still do. So then why can't I? I know, it's called writer's block. I have been here before. This time, it seems more difficult than in the past. I use to find ways to write anyway. I had found a site called Experience Project and wrote there for the same reason. I could wander the site and find an experience I shared, read some items and soon I would be writing my own.

That was pre-WDC, and the site changed, a lot. I have not even been by there for months and have since removed most of my writing, since there is no copyrights at all. I have very limited time, and any time I spend in other sites takes away from spending time here. Besides, I can do the same here, find a prop, read something, and of course, write what ever I desire.

I have tried; I read items if I have time. I look at contests, props, and even some of the interactive stories, hoping something will click and it will start again. But it's not working. So instead of writing a short story, a poem, or just a bit of silliness, I'm writing this.

I'm not sure what to even call it, but still I'm writing. It's thoughts flowing, and it's something. I will probably not even leave it here, since it is not really anything I feel anyone else would care to read. It's thoughts flowing and should be in my journal more than in here. It's something, but it's not enough, I need the prescription strength writing and this is just some over the counter stuff. Even so, it's better than nothing!