Down the Rabbit Hole

Down the Aisle

On this, the day of my fourth wedding anniversary, I take a moment to reflect on some of the sweetest moments of my life with him. There are of course, all the big ones...our first date, kiss, the "I do's", the birth of our baby girl. Then there are the memories I don't often have the cause or the luxury to recall as often. I was looking over my the banner picture on my facebook page, I'd recently replaced it with a wedding picture in honor of the date, and I remembered one of those rare and tiny moments, the kind that make the whole world go still around you, just for a few precious seconds. I had been in a rush of preparation the day of my wedding, shuttled from brunch, to the salon and to the bridal dressing rooms in a whorl of happy activity. Finally, standing arm and arm with my Dad waiting for my turn to walk down the aisle, things suddenly just stopped. I could feel every breath like a painful rattle in my chest. Only moments ago I had stood in front of the floor length mirror with my grandmother, amazed at the woman I saw glazing back at me. My dress was more perfect than even I had hoped. I looked every bit as lovely and glamorous as I felt. I was about to change my life, take one of the most promising and positive steps forward after so many years with a good man that I was crazy in love with. I was happy. I was eager. I was ready. Then, a few minutes later after watching my bridesmaids all disappear beyond those doors, I had that moment. The air went still around me. I lost connection to all sound and touch. I was gripped by this sudden numbness, overcome with the tremendous fear that despair was about to consume me, to pull me back from this place of hope and healing that I had found. The panic rose up inside me, blocking every sensation, every rational thought. Then, my Dad squeezed my arm. He looked at me and I saw that he was fighting back tears. Perhaps he was also thinking of how far I had come to stand at this place with him, and of all the goodness and light that waited for me now on the other side of that door. Neither one of us spoke, afraid I think to open the floodgates. We just took a deep breath and moved forward together. The white doors flew open revealing a room filled with the smiling faces of friends and family. Each step I took drove the doubt and the fear back, each step delivered me closer to my new life with my new love. If there was any trace of panic left in me it evaporated the moment I laid eyes on my new husband, standing there with wet eyes, looking as if he had been waiting his whole life for me.