Down the Rabbit Hole

Black and Blue Morning

This morning was not a stellar success by any stretch of the imagination. Admittedly it has been a while since I drove to work in tears but one black morning can sink a boat full of bright ones. It did not help that the car was on "E" either, the bright orange gas light flashing, taunting me inside the car's dim interior. Running dry and having to call home for help was not an option. I had to pull in for gas even though I knew it would make me late for work...yet again. Of course I picked the slow pump and had to stand, the rain and wind whipping at my bare legs, while the pump delivered my gas at an agonizing pace. Finally I had enough. I pulled the nozzle free and managed to splash myself with some residual petrol in the process. Dropping back into the front seat, I caught my heel under the gas pedal and banged my head off the ceiling in my frantic efforts to free myself. Stupid car. Stupid me. I'm beginning to suspect though, that this is the problem...me, not the car. Maybe I'm more daft than I realize? Maybe happiness is meant to be a fleeting emotion and I'm the one that mistakes it for a state of being? Maybe I have forgotten that to live ones life without expectations is far better than to try to build off foundations that are not solid? There was a time when I believe I was not a person constructed for "forever love", that the best I could offer, the best I could be, was someone who loved in the fiercely temporary way in which people do when they have the luxury of not being able to commit themselves to another. Maybe the only real bond made to withstand the hardships of life, the trails of being so humanly fragile, is the one the exists between us and our children? Made of different organic fibers, designed to weather the most demanding of elements, perhaps those relationships are the only ones divinely designed. Then again, maybe I have just had one of those mornings that turn the whole world black and blue.