Write-Off

This rut again..

I am familiar with this feeling, of being overwhelmed and non-productive. its almost like procrastination has decided to make it a permanent stay in my life.. it'll be a constant battle I think... another feeling I am familiar with -  constant battles, as a mother of three boys I can tell you now they are strong willed stubborn battles to be had. As much as I would love my musings to be all joyous and full of love and laughter I am also more adept at venting my frustrations negativity and take a bathe in self pity while I ponder about it all.





My eldest son, soon to have his eleventh birthday has all kinds of personalities .. firstly i could never have met a more kind generous and thoughtful and well mannered child... secondly I wouldn't have thought that the same person could be all the opposites of those at the same time.. gee I don't remember pre-teens being that tough.. oh wait.... yes they were. So I guess I am pretty proud of my young fella and all I can do is hope to goodness life doesn't throw too much more shit his way. Eleven years... that's how long I have been a member of the mum's club, time really does fly and I find myself still pondering my life goals, creating plans setting myself up for more failures and disappointments and anxiety driven choices, feeling unsatisfied with whom and what I have become... Why? raising children has to be the most important and rewarding jobs anyone could have right... I thought so, and it is really, so why this sense of under achievement and lack of worth? because its been eleven years and forever counting, I never thought I would be thirty never traveled, have barely any work experience and nor did I think I would be unqualified after numerous whimsical attempts at study.





So I am torn between contentment and being happy in the now or wanting something more... I am finding when I wish for more or search for meaning for the future I get stuck .. in a puddle of catch twenty-twos and setbacks. They should be easy enough to analyse and logically solve sure but.. there's that cloud around me that reeks of self pity and frustration. How do I use my life to benefit others, gain profit, and generally have a higher purpose?





So far my thoughts have been in disarray  ...  What will be? I havent decided yet and thats ok !