The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

Scarfless.

I suppose I sent out the appropriate vibes last night. Got to sleep way after I intended to as M. came to bed with a boyish eagerness I couldn't ignore. A stroke here, a deep, crushing hug there, I got the message. While I appreciated his aroused state, I had to wonder why it always rears its head when I have to get up early. It's like a month of lazy Sundays goes by, uneventfully, and he gets excited on Monday morning. Complain, complain, moan.

Woke up feeling semi-normal, knowing I had a day ahead of me: an assessment at the business college at ten a.m, and computer class directly after. My child is semi-deaf due to her ear infection, and I had to yell instructions at her all morning, trying to get her to move quickly, to brush and floss, the put the pants on right side out. I threw the hair back, put a polka dot scarf around my neck, put on the shades and hurried her off to school. While standing in the cloak room, I felt the rush of adrenaline that I have come to hate with every cell in my body. No reason for it, just unsolicited panic. I kept my cool, though. I told myself that this is who I am, that collapsing in defeat is only going to make it stronger, and blah, blah, blah. I came home, prepared a bowl of cereal and sliced strawberries and mentioned how I was feeling to M.

'Probably kickstarted your adrenaline last night,' he grinned.

Oh yeah, big boy. You did it so well you drove me out of my mind.

Today is not the day for this, not that any day is. I have to drive into a part of town I don't know well, I have to sit at a computer to try to figure out which courses I won't need to take which requires focus, I have to be able to drive home afterward with enough strength to fill out the forms required by the government to give me the money to go to school. The knees can't buckle now. I was just finding my rhythm.

What is different, this time, is that I'm not rolling around in bed hating myself. I'm slowly beginning to understand that my body sends out confusing signals every now and then and that it doesn't mean that I'm a horrible person. I felt the depressive part of this yesterday, the inexplicable anger and lack of patience, so I know this isn't entirely out of nowhere. As I type here, I am yawning repeatedly, my eyes watering as though I'm wailing and I'm fairly certain the mascara is smudging. All part of this condition of mine. My stomach is off as well, and I feel like I have swirling masses of gas in there, funneling up to the surface. I have already untied the scarf I had around my neck, knowing it will feel as though I'm being strangled as I drive, which would not be helpful, and there is ginger ale under the skin on my face. But, I don't hate myself. I wish I didn't suffer this, it would make my life much easier, but I don't hate who I am. I might later, but right now I'm trying to use what I know. I'm trying to be logical.

Jittery stomach, tightening in the throat, yawning incessantly, completely irritable, slight depersonalization, inability to wear cute, polka dot scarf...this really isn't cool.

I want to get back into bed, but I know it doesn't get better in there. It goes to sleep, but it doesn't go away.

Wish me luck.