The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

When I grow up...

"Invalid Entry" 

All I've ever wanted, really, is to be worthy of the love I seek.

I'm looking to achieve confidence and clear vision, both of which will get me to the goals I've yet to visualize. I'm okay with the mistakes I've made, mostly because they were necessary to steer me in the direction I didn't know I needed to go. Most of the things I wanted to be, or the people I wanted in my life, seem unnecessary to me now. With time and the willingness to learn, you begin to let yourself understand your past choices and the way you let the bad things happen, inexplicably resisting the good. I believe that something inside knows everything, that when you have an instinct as to which way things will go, there is reason to listen. The head and the heart are imperious, sparring commanders of the body, and the gut is the wise one which whispers. It takes more than one mistake before you are able to hear it, deciphering its code.

In body, I'm a grown woman who has the scars of motherhood on her belly, the spidered veins of standing too long in her legs, and easy, paper-thin creases in a state of infancy hemming my eyes. In my head, I'm just out of my teens, battling the insecurities which revealed themselves to me when the childhood was done. I still look behind me when people call me ma'am, and I often feel helpless, looking for someone to lend me a hand. In spirit, I'm as old as a European cathedral, having witnessed wars and atrocities, but somehow keeping a gentle way which lets me hold on to hope.

I'm losing interest in becoming someone who will please the others around me. Why would they expect me to aspire to a level they could never meet themselves? I'm not there, yet, but I feel as though the disconnection will be complete in a mere matter of a few years. I am looking forward to that weightlessness. I've always been a little too heavy.

To love, yes. To do it in a way which feels complete and true, without the delicate swell of pride or the iron in the heart. An effortless certainty of who I care for and why. To know that I am loved without condition, that the love will take me to the end and never let go.