What's up with Whatsit

Mo more stuffage

Well, I have improved my attitude somewhat lately.

I have lost a lot of grouchiness and bad attitude.

I resolved not to raise my voice at my students, and oddly enough, it has worked. THAT surprised me. The only reason I said I wasn't going to raise my voice at them is that I refused to stress myself out anymore, and it has wound up helping. I have a lot of them come up to me and hug me in the evenings when they are on their way out. Which is odd, because I am still very strict with them, but more quietly.

I have also calmed down at home a lot. I NEVER raise my voice at my own kids anymore. I was coming home stressed every day, because I am so sick of my husband that I hated coming home at night, but that is resolved somewhat. Not the being sick of him, but my attitude about it. I decided to lose the anger and pretty much not worry about what he does. I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but out of having to save my sanity, I have done it. Therefore, the not yelling at my kids anymore. Not that I yelled at them very much, but I hate doing it at ALL.

I still cry a lot though. I can't help that. I just don't do it where anybody can see me. Though at this point it's more of a stress reliever type thing than an out of desperation type thing.

I guess I sound like I've gone nuts, doesn't it? I've hidden this for a long time. I normally hate revealing stuff like this about myself, but how likely is it I'll ever meet y'all? You're pretty safe. Besides, I can't afford therapy, and I'm definitely not spilling to somebody I have to see every day or every week.

I'm not talking about what hubby has done to irritate me. He's not abusive - don't worry about that. It's more of a colossal pain in the ass situation. And I can't afford to move out at this point, and not sure I even want to. This may resolve. I can see it resolving at some point, maybe, and while it's still a possibility, I don't want to burn my bridges. I remember life without a father after mine died, and his relationship with the kids is not a problem.

Stuffing. That's what I'm trying to stop doing, stuffing everything down so far inside. And I'm starting with y'all.

Lucky you, right?

One result of this is my friendships with people have deteriorated. It's totally my fault because I have clammed up and isolated myself, which is my tendency. I didn't grow up talking a lot. Can you inherit personality traits? If so, I inherited my dad's tendency not to open my mouth much. Being an only child reinforced this. This is why I don't have many friends - people don't understand this about me, and I don't blame them. No, I'm not a very good friend, people.

Ah, well. I can feel things getting better, now though. It's odd how much changing your attitude will help. The only person I can work on is me.It's an uphill battle.