The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

Round One

You didn't hear the rest of what I said? I said that I hoped no one took me seriously, because I was only kidding!

This, in response to my shrieking about his 'been there, done that' reference to marriage.

He actually approached me this morning, which was unusual. I suppose my anger was at full boil rather than simmering on low and he recognized it. He came to me and asked if I wanted to talk about marriage, etc. and I didn't say yes or no. I simply began yelling at him. No more of the polite, eggshell stepping tactics I've taken to around him. No more shrinking back in fear of offending him. I don't want to emasculate him or attempt to assert myself but I do insist upon fairness, and sometimes he needs a good tongue-lashing. Why would he say something like that? Especially in front of these people who live their lives without television, for chrissake. The dysfunction they were seeing must have been alarming at best, and I felt like I was a character in 'The Royal Tenenbaums', with a controlled kind of hysteria in every word at a civilized dinner table. A room of antique furniture, art, candlelight and a couple spewing words which would have been better said at home.

We've never really discussed marriage before, not in a specific way. There have been thinly veiled references, hints thrown in to arguments about other things, but never have we talked about it with such seriousness, such intent. He asked if I wanted him to ask me under duress, meaning my hysterics, and I sneered at him and said absolutely not. I would never tolerate that, I said, and I will leave you before that happens. He told me that sometimes he isn't sure I like him, and I called nonsense on that, telling him that he very well knows this isn't the case. He said he intended to ask me in France four years ago when he invited me to go, and I subsequently refused without thanking him for the invite. He was hurt by that, he said, and decided to leave the proposal alone until things levelled out. I said I don't need France for the perfect proposal, and I don't need his faceless relatives either. What I want, I said, is to know it's what he genuinely wants. He said that our financial situation is difficult right now, that he wants everything to be settled before we commit to a ceremony or anything else. Besides, he said, in the eyes of the law we're as good as married anyway. In my eyes, I said, we are not. It means something to me that he hasn't asked, hasn't gone over it again since the France debacle. He said that he does think about it, that he does love me and that he does want to marry me. I could not respond to that. Talking about it out loud made it too...out there. It strips a little of the magic away, and how I love my magic. If he should get around to asking, it will need to be because it's what he wants and feels it, and it will need to be relatively soon. I do not want any more conditions, no more unspoken tests because I deserve better than that.

He mentioned some things which I'd suspected were on his mind, like my failure to contribute to a loan we've taken out together (in my defense, I have been paying my share of all the other bills, plus I have been paying off our television on my own, and I buy the bulk of the groceries). The loan isn't huge, but it's been on his mind for a while and he resents that he is paying it on his own. I acknowledged that I should have at least addressed that situation, but I am a little resentful that he doesn't understand why I haven't. He hates that I sleep in later than he does, to which I rolled my eyes because, really? It bothers him that I don't try harder with my writing, to which I responded that sometimes I don't really get the point of it, anyway. It's not like I'm Hemingway. He thinks I should be trying harder, moving toward a goal of some kind and it bothers him that I seem to be letting things happen rather than going after what I want. Hearing it out made me want to punch him, cry and scream. I can't explain why, only that this is what I felt. I spat out that no one in my family died and left me any money, that I have had to work for everything I have, and when he criticized me for 'exploiting the system' because I collect unemployment, I reminded him that I have been working for nearly twenty years solid and I have paid into that program every single year. I deserve it, I said, and I exploit no one. I have a right to take my time in finding something that makes me happy. Everyone does.

It ended without climax. There were no hugs, no promises of anything, just a collective relief in having said all the things which have been building for ages. I feel only marginally better for having admitted my issues with the 'marriage' topic because talking about it made it seem cheap. I am tired of the whole thing. My head has been pulsing since this morning, shifting from a dull ache to loud aches and I still haven't taken anything for it. The pain keeps the conversation alive, lets me revisit the things I wanted to hear, and the things I didn't. I think he loves me, and I love him too, but we are both feeling wounded by each other's criticisms at the moment. I am annoyed that I had to buy the new coffee decanter today, because I still don't feel like it was completely my fault that it broke, but I did it anyway. He is probably annoyed that I insinuated that he's where he is because his father left him money. It's the truth, but I don't suppose he liked hearing it.

It will repair itself. We are both committed to one another, that much was made clear. There are more words burbling behind my teeth but my sister brought the first two seasons of 'Dexter' by and I'd rather watch that than go for round two. There are still tears in here, too but I do not want to spend them tonight.

A hot shower will take some of the pain away, methinks.