The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

Yellow

I love waking up to glaring sunlight. It's hopeful and it's warm. It makes you think you might be capable of things that aren't possible on cloudy mornings.

As I type, my gorgeous, fat, sausage of a feline purrs in anticipation next to me. Flynn is a monster of a boy, but the gentlest little soul of the three cats I call my own. He's nervous, in a spastic sort of way, but when he's sitting next to someone he loves, when he is on all fours, he exudes pink adoration and rumbles and ripples with cat-like bliss. I call him my little boy. I think he knows what I'm saying.

I have received two phone calls from recruiters in the past few days. It's the time of year when they come looking. One is recruiting for a 'prominent retailer', and the very phrase made me flinch because I immediately pictured Walmart or something like it, and I have made a pledge to myself that I will never work for them. The other is for an investor's group, which seems weird given the financial state of things, and I can't picture myself doing anything with money or numbers because both intimidate and bother me. I don't know what I'll do about either. I should at the very least call them back, no?

What do I want to do, though? As time goes on, it becomes more and more apparent that I haven't the foggiest as to what appeals to me. Most of the things I identify with would require school, which I cannot afford, or would not bring enough money to live on. Ideally, I want to work part-time at something that gives me a deep sense of accomplishment. Can't get much more vague than that.

So, I bought a 'vision board' months and months ago. It has butter cream ribbons criss-crossed all over it which will hold pictures of the things I want for myself, both material and spiritual. I got the idea from that woman who wrote 'The Secret', because people I know who have read the book and practice what it preaches seem to be having success with it, and I'm all for trying things which may benefit me. The problem, I've found, is that I don't seem to know what I want, and I am greatly troubled by this. How could I not know? Also, posting pictures of the materials things I want seems...greedy? So, the vision board rests empty, with a fine layer of dust on its edges and one photo of my girl, and also a WDC birthday card. I'm not sure what the card is meant to symbolize, but I'm happy my girl is up there.

Then again, maybe today is the day to start posting my wants and desires. What should I put up on that board? What shall I, a creature of mind-numbingly boring routine and cement block sameness, aspire to possess and be? Even if it is a bit odd to build the board in the eyes of those around me who don't understand my need to explore new ideas, I can't be bothered by that. Most people I know want more than this. They want to be happy as much as I do, and don't have better directions.

Photos of Paris might be an idea. I need to conquer my fear of travel and get there soon. It will appease M. on so many levels, give him the opportunity to show me all the landmarks of his life before me. I'll post photos of baguettes and wedges of Camembert and of course, the Eiffel tower. I will also post photos of the Grand Canal in Venice, despite the fact that M. married someone else there twelve years ago. I'd love to see the place, to walk its streets and drink coffee in St. Mark's Square, see the Bridge of Sighs. I might even be okay with looking at the little church where his wedding took place, knowing that it's also where Vivialdi composed operas. Of course, I'd put up a few pictures of Dublin and the Irish countryside. I have a great desire to go back to where my roots are, to sit in a pub and listen to a rip-roaring rendition of 'Black and Tans' make its waves across the room.

Other things...a Kitchenaid mixer? A white one, I think. Or silver. They come in handy, particularly for someone who cooks as much as I do. Books, all sizes and colours. Chocolate, in the form of bars or mousse. Coffee beans and croissants. Flowers, all sorts, all colours though I'm not sure what they will represent. It doesn't matter, though, because it is my board and I can include whatever means something to me, even if I don't understand the reference. A diamond ring? I can't do it, though. I cannot blatantly pin up a picture of a ring in the hope that he'll think it's subtle, because it won't be. No, that he'll have to figure out for himself. Money, in stacks, not that expect a stack of money to be dropped off at my door. I don't have any sick, rich relatives who might be scrawling my name in their wills at the moment. I come from a long line of people who have it, and spend it themselves. I will put up a picture of money with the idea that it represents a lucrative opportunity, not involving anything illegal or tawdry. A job, something that makes me happy. Antique jewellry, or jewellry which looks old but doesn't have the imprint of the dead. Clothes. I need new clothes badly, as most of my older ones from my former place of employment are falling apart, are discoloured or have pin prick holes in places where there should be none. A new headboard for my bed. I sort of like the arts and crafts style, and M. has said in the past that he might like to build our headboard himself. I don't know that he will, but if the style is posted on the board, he might get on it.

But are these the things I really want? I seldom ask myself about what's in my heart, mostly afraid of what the answers might be. The last time I really worked to get something I wanted was when I fell in love with M. The rest fell into place. Back then, there were so many valid reasons for me not to be with him, not to break away from the world around me, but my intuition took over and I did all the things which made no sense to others, so that my life would make sense to me. I haven't done it since, though. I haven't actively gone after something and claimed it as my own. I know that what I want will require work and might inconvenience others and I am afraid of both. At some point, though, you have to make your life work for you, which tends to start the other way around.

Where do I want to work? Live? Go? Do I want other children? One or two? Will I stay if he should put off marrying me like R. did? How do I want to live this life, and should it matter if anyone approves?

Big questions, empty vision board, but it's a sunny morning and the slate is clean.