The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

Prozac Nation

I don't think I've spoken or read more than a handful of people recently who are actually in a good mood. Is it the season? The economic issues? The bizarre need most of us have to focus on the dismal, rather than the good?

I'm one of the many who feels a little bit off. I'm insecure lately, finding myself waking in the middle of the night wondering if the man next to me actually loves me. I'm worried about finances, like everyone I know. I am concerned about my health, mainly my instantaneous gall bladder attacks which seem to appear when it is most inopportune. I am annoyed that a fairly big chunk of FTL participants aren't really into participating, some even responding to prompts without actually attempting to tie their words to what they've read, and others simply too annoyed by life to let their frustrations out on a clean page. There are marital problems galore (again, is it seasonal?), people angry about not having a clear vision of the future, deaths and of course, vampires. I feel bad about all of it, the tears I sense in the words of the other writers somehow rolling down my screen, pooling on my desk, making me want to add my own. I feel bad that some people are not able to cope with things well, because it's a terribly desperate feeling to not be able to find a solution. The stomach churns, the adrenaline pumps and all of it leads people to making irrational decisions, spontaneous choices. That's never good.

Maybe it's time to look at 'what is'.

What is making me think my man is disenchanted with me? Am I feeling this way because he's out all night, or because he never speaks to me, or because he can barely stand to touch me? No. He does speak to me, and he caresses my neck sometimes when he walks by, and he's always here, always part of the routine. He was mad at me this morning about making the coffee too strong (he has told me repeatedly over the last six years how to do it the way he likes, and I habitually do it my way, which is probably a little passive aggressive on my part). He was exasperated and made a snide comment about it not being 'that hard', and I was immediately offended, even when he said he was thankful I thought to make it in the first place. When I distanced myself from it, I saw that I purposely did it my way, and what point was I trying to make with that? I make coffee-flavoured sludge. The kind of drink a spoon can stand on its own in. While he can be critical and snippy at times, I have a tendency to bank the way I feel about the criticism without thinking about whether or not it was a valid complaint. He tells me I'm not a good listener, and I am always incensed by that, until I considered that I am always getting ready to respond while he's talking, I'm always readying a counter argument. I hear him, but do I really listen? Listen and silent have all the same letters but in different order. This is not a coincidence.

Why do I care that some FTL participants are phoning it in? What is the reality here? Well, the fact is that this contest is for fun, and even if others don't enjoy as much as I do, the reality for me is that I have enjoyed the process. I have found a couple new journals that I've added to my favourites list, and exchanged emails with people I had not met before. I like competition, particularly if I feel I stand a chance at winning, but mostly it's the banter and the social aspects of it which appeal to me. I have been confused as to why some people entered when they clearly have no intention of taking it seriously, but the reality is that this is my issue. If they're okay with it, why should I care? Others have made significant contributions and have impressed me, so it's all balanced out.

I will not be poor tomorrow. I don't know if or when, but the 'what is' is that today, everything is okay. I have to go back to the dealership today to give my final decision about my car, and while I'm essentially leaning in the direction of getting a new car with a new lease, my friend A. has put the doubt in my head about whether or not this is smart. It has been stressful, thinking about this, but what is smart about my plan is that the car will have a three year warranty, which my old car won't. It will be new, without any quirks or possible quirks for some time, and my car is five years old. My monthly payment will remain the same. I don't have to pay the first month's payment, which, if I buyout my old car I would have to give them $1200 up front to cover the taxes that were not required while the lease was in effect. My credit relationship with the company will remain intact. I'm pre-approved for the lease. What is the problem that I am having with arriving at concrete decision?

I am not employed at the moment, but there are jobs around. 'What is' the problem is that I haven't been aggressive in finding something. I will have a job soon. It will be up to me to get it, but I will find something.

My family is healthy (knock wood), no one is starving, everyone is warm and secure in their homes at the moment. We've had hard times, but everyone does, and if things go bad, they can also go good again. We have a certain level of control over things in our personal relationships, and we can choose whether or not to accept them as they are, or to move beyond them. We don't have to stay where we are unhappy. There are a million reasons why being somewhere might make sense, but there are probably just as many about why we should go. What it comes down to is deciding to love the other person, to make the necessary steps in telling them what we need and asking for what they want from us, and if all of that fails, we can decide to find our happiness elsewhere. The key is to distinguishing if what we want is unreasonable or too much. Sometimes, my anger at him is about the anger I had with R. I want to be adored, and I'm annoyed when I am. I'm not such a peach, I know it. Plus, I don't measure coffee. That's a 'what is', right there.

I think taking a 'what is' approach to things might erase some of the need for prozac.