The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

If I Build It, They Will Come...

I can't believe I have to put my portfolio back together again. No, I haven't finished moaning about it.

The one benefit about this is that I can leave out the work I never truly loved to begin with, or at least I can re-work it until it meets my standards. How amusing is it that the pieces left behind were the ones which had the least clout? I might even say they are awful, and I didn't even flinch when I wrote that. I have written some truly heinous poetry, and the fact that it was left to greet me upon my return only rubbed vinegar in the open wound.

I want to update here about all of the things in my life, but I am too frustrated by the amount of editing and updating I've yet to do with dismantling and creating new folders and such. Of course, there isn't much in my life to talk about that would be a whole lot different than what regular readers are already accustomed to. M. is fine and will be turning fifty-one by the end of this coming week. The wee one is marvelous and will be starting junior kindergarten (!) this month, which seems to be more of an upset for me and M. than for her. I am still unemployed, and ashamed of it, but that shame does not push me any closer to getting out there and finding something. I like to be at home, despite the solitude, because it's safe here and I'm always surrounded by books and music and film. I don't have to be anything different than what I am, which is a neurotic ruminator, and the laundry is usually done and dinner is always on the table by seven.
I get depressed about this stagnant period in my life when I consider all the dreams I once had with regard to how 'fabulous' my life would one day be, but then I tell myself it's better than feeling disoriented and anxious when thrust into the real world where most people seem to delight in your incompetence and misery.

I don't know what I'd be good at, or what I'd like to do, or how to find something that will somehow fuse these two criteria together. I am looking for something that speaks to me, an opportunity to rise up out of the muck, as it were. I worked at a job for thirteen years because it was comfortable and familiar, not because I found any sort of self worth in it, and now that job is gone. I can't let myself feel too beat up over losing it, as it was an American company and the American economy is fledgling right now, so I'm not alone when it comes to being relieved of duty. I know of two other people who have lost their jobs in the last month alone, and both of them were the main breadwinners in their respective families, and neither had any warning. My situation is not so unique, but I can't decide if that's a comfort or not.

If I were an American citizen, I'd be excited about Obama/Biden. I watched the coverage on the Democratic convention, and more than once I felt tears rise up. It was amazing to me that Bush got elected once, but then he did it again, despite his complete incompetence and frat boy mentality and I seriously wondered what was wrong with the people who voted for him. It seemed completely stupid, like the ones who voted for him were so adamant about keeping the Republicans in power that they didn't care how ridiculous it was to actually do it. Watching Obama speak, seeing his confidence and hearing his reassuring tone, made me think that all is not lost, after all. I generally hate politics and politicians, but there's something completely genuine about the Democrats this time around. And what's with McCain's running mate choice? What the hell is that all about? How do you go from criticizing a man for his so-called 'lack of experience' despite his record of public service and then choose a basic nobody from a state that no one knows anything about? Is he trying to play the 'woman' card? Is he trying to find a way to make history so that the first "fill in the blank" will be guaranteed a spot in the White House? Pulling Hillary's leftovers to the dark side? So, let's say he topples over from a stroke, given his advanced age, and he thinks it would be acceptable if the country is left with a former beauty queen who has only governed six hundred thousand people and carries her own firearm? Does this seem prudent? Is he in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's?

As always, with the Republicans, there is something fishy about this choice. Could it have something to do with drilling in Alaska? Is there something of value hidden in this bizarre choice? Did I mention I'm not American? Canadian politics just aren't that interesting.

A hurricane is rolling toward Louisiana again. I wonder how Bush will react this time. I can't believe those poor people are going through this all over again, but they will be. Whether or not it will be as bad as the authorities say remains to be seen, but they're being cautious with good reason. These problems aren't going to go away, not with the planet in the state it's in. I can't believe that I actually know people who don't believe global warming is real. They flat out deny it. One is a university student, one is a well-read mother/career woman, and the other one is a doctor. You see, you don't have to be uneducated to be stupid.

I really should be building my damned portfolio.

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