I'm Studying You

Irresistable Bliss

Alright then. Lets try this again.

Could someone please be a dear and youtube "Soft Serve" by Soul Coughing, as it is the most chill song ever? I'll even settle for a solo Mike Doughty version, because he's an incredible lyricist.

I'm praying that I no longer get the "white screen of death" that my phone has been doing to me lately.

I apologize for my f-bomb outburst yesterday. Well, fuck that...why should I apologize for something out of my control?

And no Hailey, as much as I'd like to be, I'm not suicidal. But much love. Much love.

I don't want apathy or hugs or happy horseshit. My sis and her bf flew in last night and *yawn* yay.

I miss her. I mean I miss her in a way that I miss 1994. We were so tight back then. And I can't bring that back but don't bullshit me with "people change". Sing with me now "Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town" by Pearl Jam because I'm totally feeling that "I changed by not changing at all".

How do you tell someone that? Really?

To switch gears a bit, listen. I'm not looking for pity or love or attention. This is a skeletal version of the best entry I ever wrote that got lost in the whoknowswhere of cyberspace.

And don't ask me why I'm awake at such an awful hour. Please.

Yes, I'm a nutcase. Let's get that out of the way.

I've crossed paths with so many people lately who think I'm awesome. I love that, and it's a good feeling, but I hafta question it. Nobody sees the same damn fool that I see in the mirror every time I brush my teeth. I can't front; I am who I am. And I had a really big "Who am I?" crisis yesterday. I would throw myself in front of a bus for some people, but why? People I don't even know and shit.

I think I think I think too much.

I had a lot of songs on my dome yesterday. "Unsatisfied" by The Replacements is one. I think the title is "Muzzle" by Smashing Pumpkins...I'm a music freak and I don't feel like sifting through 700+ cds just to hear a song.

My life has been extraordinary, blessed and cursed at once.

I'm so fucking frantic right now that I may actually go back to sleep, which of course is a good thing. Although McDonalds has some sweet breakfast burritos.

I'll leave with this, because I know it's youtubeable...

They call it love, and I get plenty of it. The rich kids burn it; my broke people dub it. They call it hate, and I get plenty of it but they know who to call just to get the party jumpin'. -Atmosphere, "They Call It"

I will apologize for my anguish, but not for who I am. Love me.