Dear Lucy

November 14th

                                                                                                                     November, 14th, 2007

Dear Lucy!


It's 6:40 a.m.. And I am dead. And confused. I'm...I can't even find the right words to describe what I am feeling at the moment.

By the way, I am in my car. I have parked it up on a vineyard where I 'm able to see over the whole town. What a beautiful sight. It's becoming really, really cold. And everything around me is frozen. All the trees, the grass and the even the ground have this white icy-snow covering it. The sky is clear blue though and the sun is just starting to  rise. I'm not sure if I have ever seen anything more beautiful than this. Remind me to tell Dana about this....Dana....oh god!

I guess I should tell you about this. 'This' is what happened yesterday. Well, not really yesterday. More like, tonight. No, it has nothing to do with our 'fight' or whatever we had yesterday at work. I'm over that. At least as good as I can. And I'm not planing to think about it anymore.

'This' is much worse. 'This' embarrasses me. It confuses me and I don't want it. Okay, it started like this:

After finishing my entry from yesterday, I took a quick shower and went to bed fairly early. I couldn't fall asleep at first because the events of the day followed me to my bed. Whenever I thought I was about to doze off, Dana's bruised lips appeared in front of my inner eye. Or her sobs rang in my ears. Then, it must have been around 11:30 p.m. (that's when I looked at the clock the last time), I did fall asleep. I wish, however, that I didn't.

I had a dream. Nothing bad about that, you would say. Listen to what I dreamed though:

I was in my parents' house. It wasn't my parents' house in my dream. It was mine. I guess. Or ours. Whatever.
Dana was with me. We had a fight. I don't even remember what it was about. We screamed at each other and swore and ran around the room in anger. Then....oh god...I walked up to her and kissed her. I really, really don't want this to happen. But, it did.

I just grabbed her by her arms, pulled her closer and pressed my lips against hers. She was surprised, to say the least. But, not shocked or anything. It was more like 'Hey there! We're having a fight...don't solve it like this...'. And, she didn't fight back. Instead she stiffened at first and then suddenly gave up. Her arms slid around my hips and pulled me in. Our lips lingered against each other and I could feel her pressing harder against me.

Instead of separating, Dana's hands suddenly grasped the back of my head and she opened her lips. Our kiss deepened and I felt myself drown in her. Her fingers dug in my hair and a low moan escaped my mouth. Her kiss got even deeper and I saw my hands climb up her front. Without me being able to pull back, my fingers moved on their own. Button by button I opened her shirt, while she was trying to raise my pullover over my head. All the time we stayed connected with our lips, our kiss frenetic.
Next thing I remember, we were in my sleeping room. Which apparently was our sleeping room. We were laying on the bed, no clothes on.

Okay.....I don't have to explain more of this...it's totally crazy! Just writing about it, draws me back into this dream. It's as if I could truly feel her skin against mine. Her body heat against me. Her lips searching mine. And me answering her as if it was the most normal thing to do.

I woke up with a start, my body sweating. It felt like I was on fire with no extinguisher near by. My lower lip hurt and I tasted a tiny drop of blood. I must have bitten it while dreaming. It took me a few moments to come to my senses. My hands slid over the bed, searching for a body beside me. But I was alone. There was no one laying beside me. I sat up, brushing my wet hair out of my face with a sigh. A chill ran over my body, my sleeping shirt sticking to my skin. It was so hot in my room even though the heading was turned off. My heart was racing, even as I started to realize that it all had been a dream.
It hadn't felt like a dream. Dana had been so close, her touch had felt so real. As if her fingers had roamed over my whole body. As if I could still taste her on my lips. It had left me wanting and needing more of it. Not only the sexual side of it. But the warmth that I had felt when touching her. The comfort of her being close and with me. Of her filling my soul. I have never felt anything like this before. It was just a dream. And yet, so much more. I didn't want to let go of the memory and the feelings it had provoked inside of me. Until I slid backwards against my bed. I pulled my legs up to my chest and let my eyes travel through the room.

Suddenly, the heat was gone and everything around me felt freezing.

Oh my god! What has happened? Where did this come from?

It just can't be! No! It's not allowed to be. I don't want it to be like this. Nothing like that was supposed to happen. Not only am I so very confused about this dream, but I feel so embarrassed. Dana is my friend. Nothing more. I don't want to think of her that way. Never. How could my body or my soul or wherever this came from, abuse our friendship for this!?! I would never do anything like this. Would I?

The question is: do I want it this way? Has my soul chosen to use my dream to tell me what I don't want to see. That I want Dana like that?

I don't...no...it can't be. It's just not possible. Is it?

What do I do now?  Best thing would be to forget about the dream. Keep it to myself (besides telling you, of course) and just be done with it. It may just result from all the emotions I was going through yesterday. Nothing big to worry about. It will pass.

Ha! I wish it was as easy as that.

When I realised what just had happened in my dream, sitting there on my bed, I had to hide my face against my knees. My heart sped up even more and my mouth suddenly felt dry. There was a strange tingle in the depth of my stomach. A moan escaped my mouth. I immediately shut my lips again and threw my head backwards against the back of my bed. All I could think of at that moment was to bang my head against the wall until those pictures of my dream would be gone.

They didn't. They clawed onto me and pushed even further in. After a few minutes I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to get up and do something.

A cold shower and a cup of coffee later, I was sat on my sofa. Just staring at the empty screen of my tv. The shower had cooled me down a bit, but there still was this craving inside of me to go back to my dream and feel it all again. To sense Dana's skin again. Smell her. Taste her.

Suddenly the walls of my apartment seemed to close in on me. It drove me totally crazy. There was no way I could go back to sleep. But staying at home was no option either. Even though it had only just turned 6 a.m. So, I chose to take my car and just drive around. In the hopes that leaving my apartment would help me cool down and get myself back together.

I ended up here on the vineyard. And that is where I am now.

Oh lord, please help me. Why does this need to happen? All the worries and fear for Dana. Isn't that enough for my poor heart to deal with? And now this!

I don't know what to make out of this dream. Can I take it for real? It had felt so good. Like I was finally coming home. It was good to touch her and being touched by her. It was right and everything around us blurred away. There were just  the two of us. Our heated bodies moving against each other. Our souls reaching out and then holding on to one another. Combining. Adding. Loving.

Love.

Love?

I love Dana. I do. But not like that. As a friend. She has touched my heart and when I am with her, I am at home. I am calm and feel warm. Comfortable. There has never been anything like desire between us.

Or has there been and I just have chosen to ignore it?
She's beautiful. No question about that. In fact, I don't know if I have ever met a woman more beautiful than her. She is taking my breath away. That's true. If I remember correctly, I told you so after the first time I met her there, up on the roof. But that doesn't mean that I have the need to get her into my bed. I have never thought about this. In the whole time that we know each other now, I can't remember ever fantasizing about stuff like this with her.

Now, that I had that dream, it's all I can think about. But it is more than that. It's more than my wish to feel her close. I want to become one with her again. Body. Soul. I want to feel her and smell her and taste her. And I want to share myself with her. I want her to take my heart and keep it. The only place where it is totally safe. Where it belongs.

I have to admit, this all sounds pretty freaky and crazy. Am I on drugs, or something?
I have loved before. Jasmin was closer to me than anybody ever was. I loved her with all my heart. I desired her. I felt comfortable around her. It was good to make love with her. It was a pleasure that filled my heart and body with joy. Is that what I am now wanting to feel with Dana?

No. It's even more. I can't explain it any better, I think.
I'll try. This feeling starts at my toes and climbs up all over my body. It lets a fire explode in my stomach, making it tingle and burn. I'm craving for more of it. More of the feelings from the dream. I want her. Body and soul. Soul and body. And everything that comes with it. The good, the bad. The smell, the taste, the touch. I want it all from her and I want to totally give myself to her.

Oh – my – god! I love her.

I love her.

I love Dana.

No.....

Wait...I have to catch my breath and try to sort out my thoughts. Just let me....oh, my, it's already 07:25 a.m. I have to get a move on if I don't want to get to work too late.

Work – Dana.

Oh damn this! What am I supposed to do when I meet her today? What am I saying? Hello, I had a dream about you. A very naked you. With me. In bed. I think I love you. Do you love me?

Ha! I don't think so. Stay calm, think...think...

I will ignore it. That's it. If I ignore it, it might go away. Right? Nobody gets harmed. We are okay. As friends. Wonderful.

Everything is okay....

I will go....drive now....

Take care!


Yours,


Myra

P.S.: Wish me luck...but, everything is okay, right? Nothing has changed....perfect....



I'm back....it's still today. What a mess!
I went to work in the good hopes that the dream hasn't changed anything. I mean, I had my realization, that I love Dana. Bang! Tataaa! Fine. I also told you and myself, that it won't change anything. It's not like I'm planing to go for it. Of course not. Dana is a married, very straight woman. Now, you might say, that it is said, that all women have at least a bi side. But I'm not like that. I will never try to hit on a straight woman. Especially not if she's as married as Dana is. With a child. Forget it.

I love her. Good. I will live with it and it will go away. At least 'the' part that comes with it. I'm no animal. I can deal with my .... desire and don't have to live it. Then one day, I will meet a nice girl. Fall in love with her. Have a very satisfying relationship and become old with her. All the time being best friends with Dana. Maybe that special girl will be Nadja. Maybe someone else. We'll see.

That is the theory. Practice looks a tiny, tiny bit different. Just a tiny bit.

I went to work with my heart racing. The closer I got to our company building, the worse it got. My stomach started dancing, my heart sped up even more. I was scared to get a heart attack. Taking a deep breath and waiting a few minutes in my car, I slowly calmed down. I got my pulse to normal and got out of the car. I was just turning the key to lock the car door, when a hand landed on my shoulders. I didn't need to turn, to immediately realise who it was. My body knew even before my head had grasped it.

The hand was laying on my shoulders only a second, but long enough for my heart to totally tumble over. As I turned to look at Dana, my heart made a flip and then sped up even more. A gasp escaped my mouth. I quickly hid it behind a played cough.

“Morning. You're not getting ill again, are you?” Dana said with a grin. She reached out and, before I could move out the way, her hand was laying on my forehead. Like she did the last time when she had visited me at home.
Her touch left a burning sensation on my forehead and I felt a blush rise on my cheeks. Clearing my throat I smiled and turned away from her. I started walking, avoiding to look at her. It was pure embarrassment that pushed me to walk faster. I just couldn't make eye contact with her. Pictures of the dream started to overtake my brain.

“Hey, wait up!”
Dana called after me and hurried to catch up with me. Since I just couldn't stop, she did a little jump, until she was stood right in front of me. Raising a hand against my chest she stopped me right in track.
“Are you okay? You seem a bit...” Dana shook her head from side to side, considering how to describe my behaviour.

I made the mistake to look at her. And the sight of her flashed me. Like a lightening does when you look at it directly.
She looked even more gorgeous than ever before. Dana was wearing a tight skirt of a light brown colour. Under her coat I could make out a white blouse. Her curves were underlined by her business appearance just enough to look good without being too sexy.
Her hair was cut freshly.  Brown eyes were taking me in suspiciously. When she jumped in front of me a wave of her sweet perfume filled my nostrils.
It didn't do me any good. My heart stopped beating immediately as our eyes connected and I had to take a deep breath. I was scared I would collapse right away. Luckily I was able to pull myself together.

“I'm great.” My voice doubled over. I grinned and shook my shoulders. “I just didn't sleep too well. That's why I'm feeling a bit...weird.” I made a face at Dana and laughed. It didn't sound like a real laugh, but had to do.


“Ooookay.” I don't think she believed me. But apparently decided to leave it be. Slowly she moved back to my side and we walked on. I could feel her shoulder bounce against me with every step she did. All I wanted to do at that moment was to run. As fast as I could. Or to stop, grab her arm, pull her to me and kiss her. Both options didn't pass my consideration and so I just walked on in silence.
As we entered the building and climbed up the stairs, Dana started speaking again.

“Thank you for what you did yesterday.” We had reached the building and were making our way up the stairway to our floor.

Dana had been walking two steps further up than me. I stopped in track.
“What do you mean? I haven't done anything.”

Dana stopped as well, turned around and went one step down again. She was now standing one step above me, just an arm length away from me.
“Yes, you did. You were my friend.”

“I am you friend.” I pointed out and watched her curiously. Did something happen again with Frank?

“I know. That's what I am trying to thank you for.” Dana smiled nervously. Our eyes met. She blinked at me and then reached out a shaking hand. It landed on my cheek. I had to fight not to close my eyes. Unconsciously I allowed myself to lean a bit into her touch. Not losing eye contact with her.

“You don't need to thank me.” I silently said.

“Yes, I know that as well. But I feel like it. It's important for me that you know how thankful I am.” Dana's thumb gently stroked over my cheek.

At that moment, I wanted to just take the last step up to be on level with her and allow myself to pull her into me. I wished for nothing more than to feel her body against mine. To close my arms around her and forget about the rest of the world.

I didn't dare moving.

She did. Slowly, she lowered her head to me. I was still looking up at her as her lips softly brushed against my cheek. There was no fighting it anymore, as my eyes fluttered shut. Without my conscious doing, I turned my head just a tiny bit to her. She didn't move back and her lips, like a butterfly's wing, brushed against the corner of my mouth. It sent a shock wave right through my body. Before I totally realised what just had happened, Dana pulled back and stood back up straight. Her hand fell off my cheek and my eyes shot open again.

Dana was taking me in with a searching look. Then she smiled warmly at me. I returned the smile. Lightening the situation, Dana reached out and flicked her fingertip against my nose. A grin flew over her face and she winked.
“You know, you're pretty cute.”
I furrowed my brow at that, but Dana just turned and walked the last steps up to our floor. I followed her, no straight thought finding it's way into my brain.

She thinks I'm cute? What is that supposed to mean? And, why, for gods sake, does she have to kiss me that way on a day like this? Yes, she didn't know about my dream, but please! Don't torture me like that.

I told Dana goodbye at her bureau even though I just wanted to stay in her presence. But that wasn't possible as a lot of work was waiting for the both of us.

Lunch time I stayed in my office. I wasn't hungry anyway. The dream and the kiss on the steps have stolen all my hunger, I think. My feelings are so agitated, I have no idea how to calm down. Or how to deal with them.

To make matters worse, Dana came over to my office after lunch time. I was just trying to fix a bug in our homepage when she knocked on my door.

As she entered, I couldn't take my eyes off her. My god, she's so beautiful! Then she grinned at me.
“Hey. Just wanted to come over and see how you're doing.”
With that she came around the table and leaned against it beside me, her back to the desk. I forced my eyes to turn back to the computer screen. I took a deep breath as Dana's perfume, as this morning, waved around me. It calmed my wild beating heart.

“I'm good.” I answered. “Just a bit tired still.”

“How come you couldn't sleep?”
Dana reached over the table and grabbed a loose stable that was lying on there. Playing with it in her hands, she watched me sideways.

“I don't know.” I lied and shrugged my shoulders.

“Anything you want to talk about?”

I pulled my eyes off the screen and turned my chair sideways so I could fully look at Dana. She lowered her head to the side and gazed at me.

“No. Nothing really.” I thought for a moment. The beautiful sight from this morning came to my mind again. “There is one thing.”

“Yes?” Dana put down the stable and laid both her hands on each side of her body onto the table.

“When I couldn't sleep this morning, I went for a drive. It took me up onto one of the vineyards. And I have to say, when the sun was rising, it must have been one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”

“That sounds nice.” Dana commented silently.

It was a risk, but I wanted to share this experience with her.
“Could I interest you in coming with me to see it? Like, maybe tomorrow morning?”

Dana's brow rose immediately in surprise.
“With me?”

“Yeah, I know. It's a bit early in the morning. But this was so...”

I didn't need to continue. Dana just nodded and laughed.
“Tell me where to meet you and when.”

“You're really interested? The early hour doesn't bother you?”

“No, I mean, Frank leaves at 6.30 a.m.. I drive Tess to kindergarten by 07:45 a.m. normally. Before driving to work. But I could do that at 7 a.m. already. Then we can meet. I would love to see it.”

My heart made a little flip at the prospect to share something so beautiful with Dana.

We settled the date for tomorrow and soon after that, Dana left my bureau again. That had been a good visit. And I had even been able to control myself. The memories of the dream had scratched at the back of my mind. But, I had been able to hold them off.

I know, I will be able to do it. Just as I will be able to accept her decisions concerning her troubles with Frank, I will get my own feelings under control.

It makes me happy to know that Dana thinks of me as a friend. And that is what I will be forever for her. I won't jeopardize this with my dreams. This is better than anything I have ever had before.

I am at home now and looking back over the day, I have to say, it was quiet interesting. I have learned a lot about me and can't wait to spend more time with Dana. Whatever we have, it is great and wonderful.

I love her.

Thank you again for listening.

Take care.


Yours,


Myra