Dear Lucy

November 12th - November 13th

                                                                                                                     November, 12th, 2007


Dear Lucy!

Today I went to work with my car. Means, getting up later because I don't have to go on my long tram and bus trips. Yey.

I was very excited to show Dana my new treasure. As soon as I arrived at work and had gone into the building, I stopped by her bureau. I was lucky, as she was in already.

I was also very happy to see her again. She smiled, as I entered the room.
“Good morning, Myra.”

I guess she had just come in as well, because she was just hanging up her winter jacket. Turning to me, she said:
“Looks like you're better again.”

“Well, your good care worked it's magic.”
I grinned and stepped up to her. Grabbing both her hands, I couldn't hold back my excitement.
“Guess what?!?”
I had to fight not to jump up and down like a little child.

“What?” Dana laughed and raised a critical brow at me.

“I've got a car!!!!” I let go of her hands and started explaining what had happened with big gestures. “It's a little black Fiat Pundo. Not the newest thing, but it's so cool. I can't believe that! Imagine me with a car! It fits perfectly to me! My dream has come true! And it wasn't even that expensive. Made for me!”

Dana walked past me and sat down at her table.
“That's great! When did you get it? You haven't said anything about it before.”

I stopped in track and looked at her.
“My parents came over Friday and with their help I was able to buy it. They gave me the rest of the money I didn't have for it. That is so wonderful! I feel like...” I winked at Dana. “...a grown up.”

Dana giggled about my comment.
“Well, you certainly were a grown up before the car.”

Her looking me up and down made me nervous. I felt a blush rise on my cheek. Looking down to the floor I sat down on a chair opposite of her. I busied myself with a pen that was laying in front of me.
“So....you care to come to lunch with me?”

“And you drive me to the restaurant in your hot chair, hm?”
Dana leaned forward over her table, looking at me playfully.
“I don't know. Depends if the car doors stay on the thing when we drive. Or don't you have any on anymore?”

I raised my eyes and made a face at her.
“Just allow me to surprise you.”

“I don't know, I don't know. It's a Fiat, after all.”
Dana leaned back in her chair again and shook her head to the sides sceptically.
“Not that I am not trusting you...but...it's a Fiat! A cheap Fiat you said?”

She was teasing me and I liked it. I shrugged my shoulders and got up. Playing as if I was huffy.
“Pah! Suit yourself! Then I'm driving to lunch alone.”
Turning to the door to open it, I looked over my shoulders.

Dana eyes were taking me in amused. She didn't say anything.

“Now what? Would you please just say that you're coming with me!?!”
I had spun around and was holding my hands on my hips.

Dana laughed again and winked at me.
“No way that I would miss this adventure!”

I poked my tongue out at her.
“I pick you up at 12.”

With that I left to go to my own bureau. A smile was playing around my lips the rest of the morning.

I like to be playful with Dana. It gives me a feeling of content and happiness. Plus, it let's me know that she's in a good mood as well. That nothing happened to her at home and that everything is going to be okay. What else can I ask for?

We went to lunch exactly at 12 o'clock. Dana seemed pretty curious about the car and I had to wait beside it until she had run around it enough with open interest.
We went back to that restaurant she had taken me to the first time we had shared our lunch time. As always it was very busy but we were lucky and found a free table.

Waiting for our food, I watched Dana. She looked very relaxed as she was sipping from her drink. Her eyes met mine and she smiled at me.

“So, how was your weekend?”
I asked carefully, not sure if it was dangerous ground to step on. But Dana wiped away my fears as she nodded happily.
“It was good. Frank didn't have to work and we took Tessa and went for a small walking-tour on Saturday. It was really, really nice. And on Sunday, imagine that, Frank made me breakfast and brought it to bed for me. Isn't that the cutest thing to do?”

It was good to see that Dana was so happy. Maybe everything will be okay after all. I think I was wrong. It was a one time thing and they're back to normal.

I smiled at Dana and nodded.
“Yes, that's very sweet of him to do. It's good that....” I stopped and bit my lip. Saying it loud was a bit risky, but I just had to do it. “...you two are back to being good with each other.”

Dana shrugged her shoulders.
“I've told you. Don't worry so much, everything will be good again. I know my Frank.”

'I hope you do.' A little sceptical voice in my head answered. But I stayed silent.

“What about your weekend? Besides your car shopping tour, I hope you stayed in bed and took some time to get properly healthy again!” Dana raised a finger and looked at me seriously.

“Of course I behaved myself. A friend came over on Saturday and we went for a short car ride.”

Dana raised a brow at me, like a reprobative mother that isn't too happy her ill child got out of bed too early after being ill.
“Nothing big, just some driving around. Then I went back to the couch and we watched a film together.” I continued and grinned at her.

“Very well.” Dana nodded.

I didn't tell her about the kiss between Nadja and me. Don't ask why. I don't know. Up to now, I still haven't told her that I am a lesbian. It's not like I'm trying to keep it from her. I don't feel like hiding it. But I also don't feel like it needs to be said. Plus, we got interrupted when the food came. We didn't pick up the subject of the weekend later again.

The food was just as good as the last time. I got pretty stuffed from it and didn't really feel like going back to work. It was too much fun to just sit there with Dana and chat about trivial stuff. Unfortunately we had to get back nevertheless.

After saying goodbye to Dana at her bureau door, I didn't see her again today.

What else did I do the rest of the day? I went shopping because my fridge was pretty empty. And watched some TV. Now I am in bed, waiting to fall asleep any  minute after finishing this here.

So, take care and have a good night!

Yours,


                      Myra




                                                                                                                   November, 13th, 2007

Dear Lucy!

We're back at it. I can't believe this. It's breaking my heart. My soul is aching from it and I can't do anything about it.

I visited Dana at her bureau today. Some time after our lunch break. The whole morning I had the weirdest feeling in my stomach. It seemed to pull me towards Dana's office. My heart was racing strangely fast as I was knocking at her door.

Her soft voice calling me in, already revealed to me that something was wrong. Normally, when Dana is in a good mood, she speaks not loud but not as silently as she does when she's not well.

I slowly opened the door and stuck my head in.
“Hey there!”

Dana was sat in her chair, her back to the table. She didn't bother to turn around, but kept on looking out the window. No comment was coming from her.

I suddenly felt fear rising inside of me. Her behaviour was no good sign. How different she had been yesterday.
“Hey...everything okay?”

I stepped into the office, closed the door behind me carefully and wanted to walk up to her. But as she heard me coming closer, she lifted a hand and stopped me right in track.

There was an uncomfortable moment of silence filling the room. I had to swallow hard and frowned. What was up now?

I waited. One minute, two minutes. Nothing happened.

“Okay, you're starting to frighten me, Dana. What's wrong?”
I admitted and at least stepped up to her table.

“Nothing.” She silently said. “Everything is okay. I'm just thinking about something and need a few moments.”

I waited again and watched her not move at all. What was I supposed to do now? Just leave the room again? The feeling in my stomach and a little voice in my head told me not to though. They told me to not leave it at that but to inquire more.
I took a deep breath and carefully said:
“Something isn't right here. Tell me what's wrong, Dana.”

“Nothing is wrong.” She said again, her voice even and strangely calm.

I shook my head no. It wasn't true. I could feel it. Deep down in my soul.
Taking the risk, I slowly walked around Dana's desk and stepped up to her chair. She didn't move. I reached out, grabbed the back of the chair and slowly pushed her around towards me.

A gasp was all that came out of me, as my eyes fell onto Dana's swollen lower lip. I closed my eyes, as the sight was like a knife getting pushed into my chest. I heard Dana move, as she raised a hand to her face and to her lip. Probably to hide it from my sight. As my eyes fluttered open again, I searched hers. She, though, looked down to the floor.
I sank to my knees in front her and took her free hand out of her lap. The bruise wasn't big, but very clear to see.

“Why?”
I asked as I was fighting with tears. We both knew that she didn't need to say what had happened or who had done that. But why again? I had thought that they had been good again. How could this be happening again!?!

Dana shrugged her shoulders helplessly. I squeezed her hand. All I wanted to do was pull her into my arms. But I resisted and instead just looked at her. Slowly I lifted my fingers to her lip and touched it. She flinched and a small breath of pain escaped her mouth.

“Why Dana, why?”
My voice sounded teary as I took her other hand and held it as well.

“I...don't know. I mean....I have....I have forgotten to go shopping. Not forgotten. I didn't find the time because I had to go get the car to the garage and had to pick up Tessa from day care and then go to the doctor with her for the immunization. And then go back to the garage to  pick up the car. But then it was already too late to go shopping. But I should have went. Because Frank had asked me for that bottle of wine that he wanted me to get for his boss. I should have gotten it, as I had said I would do. I didn't.”

Tears started to fall from Dana's eyes, as the self inflicted guilt took a hold over her body. She was rambling only stopping her words to take small breath of air..
I didn't need to ask any further as she continued by herself.
“He was so disappointed. It wasn't much he had asked and I didn't even do that for him. So he hit me. Just once...and I fell...it hurt so much that he....” A sob shook Dana's body, then she went on. “That I have disappointed him so much. How could I do that again? It wasn't as if he had asked for  something difficult to do.”

Dana's helpless eyes searched mine for an answer. I shook my head. The thoughts were making my mind spin. The new bruise on Dana's face hurt me as much as it did her. Her words were like a thousand needlesgetting brutally pushed into me. The images of Frank hitting her and her falling to the ground, made me sick. I wanted to get up and beat the hell out of him. The anger, as the last time, was rising inside of me as I listened to Dana putting the guilt onto herself. It was too much for me. I had hoped and believed her that it won't happen again. That everything was back to normal and good between Frank and her. And then this?!

I stood up and stepped backwards from her. No way that I wanted to leave her like this. But I needed some space between us. Between her beaten face, her stupid self guilt. It all makes no sense to me. She's not that dumb. Why does she let him do that to her? She's worth so much more than being treated like that.

Dana's teary eyes followed me as I took another step backwards from her. I saw the fear rising inside of her, but couldn't stop. She was opening her mouth to say something. I lifted a hand to stop her. No more of this. No more of her stupid explanations.
“No. Don't! Just don't say anymore, Dana.”

I turned away from her. By now I had reached the other side of the desk. My hand was flying to my forehead, rubbing it nervously. I walked up and down in the room, trying to somehow find the right words to say. Just something. Anything.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Dana shake her head  'no' slowly. More tears were now splashing over her face.
“Myra....” she sobbed.

“Don't!” It suddenly broke out of me. I couldn't stop it. It was too much to see her like that when she had promised me that everything would be okay again. That he wouldn't do it again. At that moment I didn't realise that it had been him, who did it. I only saw her beaten face and it hurt so much that it tore me apart.
“Don't you dare saying any more of this shit!”
I swirled around and caught her horrified eyes.
“You have to do something about this, Dana! You can't go on like that! Don't do that to yourself! You are lying to yourself and to everyone who knows you. To me. Why do you do that!?! Just look at yourself and what he has done to you! Don't be so f**king blind!”
I had to fight hard not to raise my voice at her. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I feared it would explode.

“What are you saying?” Dana got up from her chair and looked at me. Her tears stopped falling  immediately.

I stood my ground, opposite of her on the other side of the desk. We stared at each other. Then she continued.
“Well, what do you think I'm supposed to do, ai?! Give me some good advice, Missy.”

I don't know if she really got angry at me. Or if it was frustration. Her voice sounded harsh and inwardly I took another step back from her. What was going on now? Where we having a fight over this?
“I don't know....leave him...go to the police...do something! You can't go on like that. It's not right!”
I wanted to hammer it into her head. She must understand that this isn't the life that she's supposed to live. No one should live like that. No one deserves this. No matter what they have done.

“I can't leave him!” Dana exclaimed. “He's my husband!”

“And!?! Does a husband treat his wife like that?!? Don't you see that something is going horribly wrong here?”
I was so frustrated at that moment. This can't be true! Is it really going to be like that? He beats her, does all this horrible stuff and she stands by his side anyway? He doesn't deserves her love. Her caring.

With my last words said, Dana suddenly sank to her chair. Her whole body slumped down in a picture of misery. I watched her disbelievingly. My lips moved but no sound was coming out. I didn't know what to say or how to react.
Have you been in a situation like that? What do you do? What do you say to comfort the other person but get them to listen to you as well? Get them to wake up!

“I can't. I love him. He's my husband. He's my world. You don't understand.” Dana's eyes raised. She slowly shook her head and then dropped her gaze again.

“No, I don't. But I...” I was trying to get calmer again. There was no way I wanted to fight with her now. She has other problems than that. Dana stopped my words as she ignored them and instead just kept on talking. I turned my back to her. I couldn't look at her shaking form anymore.

“He's my family. We belong to each other. Forever. That's what we promised. And there's Tess. She needs her father. I would never do that to her. Never.”

Suddenly it hit me. A deep fear grabbed me and held me in place paralysed. What if he did that to little Tessa?!?! Was a child safe in en environment of violence? How could she be a child in a family like that? I haven't met her. But if she's only half as sweet as Dana or how she describes her, she must be a little angel. An angel has to live in heaven and not in hell.
Would Dana allow Frank to hit his little baby? Does she have the strength to stand up against it if she's lying on the floor herself?
I suddenly felt sick. Images of beaten children that you see on TV came to my mind. Of flowers in front of houses and signs saying 'Why?'. Of Teddy bears that should have given to the children long before they died because of violence in their family.
“Does he do this to Tessa as well?” I turned around, as if in slow motion, my voice hard and serious. My eyes must have shown Dana the horror I was feeling inside. Our eyes met. Dana didn't move. Then she blinked, once, twice.

“No!! Of course not! He would never do anything like this to his baby girl. She's his treasure! His pride!” Dana hurried to explain. I couldn't believe her. Why would he stop with the girl after what he has done to her mother? In a rage, would he be able to control himself enough not to hit Tessa? Even if he hasn't done it before. When will the time come, that he will do? Kids can be annoying sometimes. Stressful when they whine or don't want to eat their dinner. When their toys are lying around and you tumble over them after a long day at work. A violent husband confronted with that. When will be the moment, that he snaps?

“How do you know that?!? You said he would never ever do it against you. Now look where that took you!”
My voice was getting louder again. The fear for Tessa brought back my anger. I was now not only worrying for Dana, but also for her daughter.

“No! I know he won't do it. He has never even raised his voice against her. It's different. And I won't allow it. I deserve it, but she doesn't. And he knows that!”
Dana searched my eyes, and then repeated slowly, trying to make me see. “He will never raise a finger against her!”

“You don't know!” I was spinning around again. Then suddenly all power left me. It was like talking against a wall. Without any chance of finding a door. I don't think I'm strong enough to break the wall down. Or to climb over it and to pull Dana to me. Especially if she doesn't want it. Maybe what she does want, is the way things are now. Who am I to decide that for her?
I shrugged my shoulders and sighed. After a second of silence, I shook my head.
“You know what. F*ck it! If that's what you want, have it your way! I don't care!”

It's not true. Of course I care. More than I should, probably. But at that instant, I couldn't do anything else but pull back. It was too much for me. Maybe I am weak. Maybe someone else would have been stronger. I couldn't.

I stepped up to the door and lifted my hand to the door handle. That was when I heard a weak voice coming from the back of the room.
“Please don't. Don't go, Myra.”

I stopped and raised my hand against the door. I wanted to hit it. But my flat hand fell against it instead. Dana's voice was breaking my heart. She sounded so alone and lost. I didn't want any of this. My whole body was fighting against it. All my soul wanted, was to turn around and go to her. Be with her. But my heart was also scared of this whole situation. My head told me to leave and let her sort the whole thing out by herself.

“I need you, Myra. As my friend. Please don't leave me now.”
Dana's voice was cracking with tears. I heard her get up from her chair. Her words hit the right spot in my heart. I spun around and crossed the room in only a few steps. Before I could stop myself, I had her pulled into my arms, hugging her tightly against me.

The body contact opened all barriers that had given Dana some kind of control. As soon as my arms had closed around her, deep sobs exploded in her. I had to fight not to let Dana sink onto her knees. Instead I held on tighter, feeling her tears soke my shirt. She held on for dear life.
“I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Myra. Please forgive me!” She breathed against me.

“Sh, it's okay. It's all okay. I'm here. I'm not going away.” I whispered into her hear.
Suddenly all the anger was gone. All my fear and the horrible thoughts of Dana and Tessa getting beaten. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing else but being there for her. And letting her know that she is safe with me. I will be her friend. I will stand by her side and protect her as good as I can. Even if I can't get her out of the hell she's living in, I will stay. One day, who knows, she will be strong enough to take my hand and go. Until then, I am here.

It hurts me to know that there barely is anything I can do about the whole thing. I feel that there must be something possible. She can't go on like that. Not if Frank keeps on doing this to her. She has to get out of there. Step by step, I will follow her. And help her as well as I can. I'm her friend.

I don't know if you understand this. Maybe you're saying that I had a chance to leave it all behind me. Or that I have to do something and not ignore what is in front of me. But I don't know what to do. I feel helpless. What I do know, though, is that I can be her friend. And that I will be the shoulder she needs to cry against. Until we find a way to solve the problem. Tell me, if you know what to do. I would be happy to take your advice.

It took a few long minutes, before Dana calmed down. Finally, she leaned her head back, ashamed of having cried so hard against me. I smiled gently at her and used both hands to stroke her hair out of her face.
“It's okay.” I said, my voice as soft as possible. “I'm here. Forever.”

A weak smile played around Dana's lips. Leaning forward I planted a gentle kiss on her cheek, then pulled her back into a hug.
“We will get over this. You will see. I will help you. Everything will be okay.” It was to comfort her. And myself.

“Thank you, Myra.” Dana said and then freed herself from my arms slowly. Sliding her hands down my arms, she caught my hands and squeezed them. The tears had stopped falling and the sobs had quieted down. Dana had found her control again.

I squeezed her hands as well and smiled.
“Are you okay again?” I asked carefully.

“Yes, yes, everything is fine. Are you still angry with me?” Dana looked at me scared. As if this was the main fear she needed to have.

“No. No. Of course not. It wasn't that I was angry at you. I was just frustrated. It's so hard for me to understand what is going on with you and Frank. And to see you getting hurt.” I stopped and Dana used the moment to sit back down in her chair. I pulled one of the chairs that was standing on the other side of the desk over and sank down on it. “I hate to see that happening. It's not very nice. To see that bruise, shocked me. I'm sorry if I overreacted.”

I tried to be as sincere as possible. Dana needs to know that there is someone here who cares about her.

She nodded thoughtfully.
“Don't worry, Myra. It's going to be okay. I know how to handle this.”

“That's what scares me the most.” I admited. “You shouldn't have to know how to handle this.”

“I know. But I accept it. There are good times in life and bad times. And in a marriage it is the same. I love Frank. From deep inside my heart. And I know he does love me as well. I know, he's always sorry when he hurts me. Soul or body. But we will handle it and everything will be fine.”

I'm not sure if it was my imagination or if it was real, but I thought that Dana's voice sounded as if she wasn't believing her own words. She wasn't talking as strong and confident as I she had done in the past weeks, when the subject had come to Frank and their marriage. But then again, I do believe that she loves him. He's her husband after all. And if she didn't love him, why would she stay with him, right? After all that he has done to her.

I nodded and smiled to her words. There was nothing I could have said to it anymore. As I mentioned earlier I feel helpless and don't know what to do. But I will be there and comfort her as much as she needs it.

Dana and me talked a few more moments until her telephone rang. After she had answered it, a smile crossed her face. She held her hand over the bottom of the receiver and mouthed a 'Frank' to me. I smiled and got up. Leaning over to her, I planted a quick kiss on top of her head and turned to leave the room. Dana was back to speaking with her husband, as I opened the door and stole another glance at her. She looked at me and furrowed her brow at me in question. I shook my head and smiled again. Then I left her office.

I hope he called to say that he's sorry. So they can go on from there. I wasn't very happy to get interrupted by him, but maybe it's a good sign, if he calls her at work. He still cares about her and thinks of her during the day. I'm scared for Dana, but full of hope as well.

To concentrate was a bit hard for me the rest of the day. The fight and all that had happened at Dana's office, had exhausted me. It took me even more strength to not return there in my thoughts. I was happy when it was 4 p.m. and I could leave work.

I'm at home now and I feel very, very tired. Writing this here and reliving it, makes me feel empty and alone. I hope to recover some tonight. I want to be ready for the next hit coming. Literally!

Talk to you tomorrow!

Take care!


Yours,


Myra


P.S.: Sometimes I wish you weren't a book, but a living person. I wish I would have someone to talk to about this for real. The only person I would trust with this though, is Dana. What a stupid coincidence.....