My Journey With Attachment Disorder

Battle Fatigue

April 17, 2008



Tony has pretty much been focused on his birthday the last two weeks. (April 15th) I have discussed presents with James and with my mother-in-law, as well as with Tony. I explained to Tony that any presents he might get from friends would have to be “reviewed” by me, and that I would decide if it was suitable or needed to be swapped for something that was suitable. I also explained to him that if he received money for his birthday, that I would have to help him choose what to purchase with the money. We have discussed this many times by now, but I am certain we will discuss it again before it’s all over. He did get $21.00 already, from church members. He presented his plan to me, which was: He would like either a billfold (James just recently bought one for himself), or the movie “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” I asked him if he was willing to let me keep the billfold at all times, and that any money that he might keep in his billfold could only be spent if I accompanied him. He agreed to those terms, so I told him he could choose either the movie or the billfold. He decided on the movie, and James went (alone) to purchase it. We watched it together Sunday afternoon.

I overheard James talking on the phone to his mother about what to get Tony for his birthday. He mentioned some kind of thing that would allow Tony to practice batting the baseball. I waited until we were alone, and asked him what in the world he was thinking! I asked him to explain it more, and then after thinking about it, I just had to put my foot down and say, “Absolutely not!” I told James that, in my mind, it was like handing Tony a gun. Even if I were the only person allowed to practice with him, I could not see it as being a safe thing to attempt. There’s no way to predict his temper right now. James had already taken one chance that I wasn’t happy about. One afternoon he took his lawn mower up to a neighbor’s house to let him look at it to see what was wrong with it. Tony still had his bat with him and carried it up with them. The neighbor has a 50-year-old retarded son, and they played ball together while James and the neighbor looked at the lawn mower. When I found out about it, I told James that was an extremely risky thing to do. Scott is not predictable either. He’s very sweet most of the time, but he has a temper that gets away from him now and then. He and Tony do not need to do anything together without strict supervision. James just doesn’t seem to understand the serious nature of Tony’s temper. I don’t think he really believes that Tony could and would hurt someone, even though I have already carried around multiple bruises, scratches, and a big fat black eye. I think James believes that I caused the rages that resulted in my injuries, and that I could have prevented the incident if I had done something differently. He could be right. If I gave in to Tony every time, I might not have been injured by him. That’s probably true—but not for certain.

James is still abiding by the store rules, for the most part. Every time he tries to “give Tony a chance”, it backfires on him. James did realize something the other night, though. After church, James dropped me off at home and then took the visitors home that we had taken to church. Tony usually gets out with me, but he was allowed to stay in the car this time. On the way home, James agreed to stop at the store to get Tony’s school snack for the next day at school. First, he asked Tony if he was willing to stay in the car and let Dad go in to get the snack. Tony agreed, but then decided to “up the ante”, which is what James realized. Tony came back with, “Then buy me a snack for tonight, too.” Of course, James refused to, and ended up coming home with NO snack, even for school the next day. Good for Dad! Bedtime is still okay most of the time. They talk about 15 minutes. The exceptions are when Tony is mad because we have refused to do something he has demanded that we do. Then, bedtime or not, he is up for the fight.

Oh, I almost forgot an important incident. One night Tony was harassing James about something. At some point, Tony picked up a knife and held it to his own throat and said, “I might as well die, because my life is horrible anyway!” I had the phone in my hand ready to call 911 and prepared to take him to Children’s Hospital, but James didn’t want me to. I told him and Tony both that I was tired of living in chaos, and I was tired of living in a house where the child is in charge, and I was tired of living in a house where a child was threatening to hurt himself and others. I told them both that I did not have to live that way. That I would call 911 next time, and let the doctors at the hospital decide how to help Tony be safer for himself and safer for his family. I explained to both of them that I was not playing mind games, and bluffing. I wasn’t saying those things to scare them into cooperating. I wanted them to understand that when I pick up the phone to call 911, I am not using that as a threat. (My mother-in-law is the queen of mind games and manipulation. She uses verbal gymnastics to get her way—even with her adult children.) I do not want them to mistake me for Grandmother.

So, my question is this: Is there a realistic and healthy way to keep James out of the loop, somewhat? I mean, we all know that Tony plays James like a guitar. Even though James is getting better, it’s still very hard on him. At the same time, I don’t feel comfortable saying, “James, just leave all the decisions about and for Tony to me.” That seems inappropriate and maybe even unhealthy for Tony. Sometimes I get so frustrated. Like the other evening Tony was badgering James about something—it may have been about the snack situation after church. I suggested to James that he go across the street to Grandmother’s. I did that because James tends to try to explain things to Tony, which only adds fuel to the flames. I had said, “Tony, you have already lost your school snack. You need to stop talking about it, and plan to make a better choice next time.” I had even encouraged Tony to shout and scream his anger about it. I told him that anger was a good thing, as long as he used his words to express it, and not his hands. He did shout it and scream it, which drove James and Kellye outside. But as soon as James came back in, Tony started the badgering again. That’s when I suggested he go to Grandmother’s. His response was, “I’m not letting an 11-year-old child run me out of my own house.” I tried to explain to him later (not in front of Tony), that the reason for going to Grandmother’s was to, first of all, remove Tony’s reason to keep arguing, and secondly, to show Tony that there are unpleasant consequences for badgering Daddy. It just feels like I’m fighting two battles. One with Tony, and one with James. And Grandmother is a whole different story. I don’t even try to explain anything to her.

Another issue we are considering: We are thinking about trying to work on getting Tony out of our bed again. We are going to take a lot of stuff out of his room, including the bed. He will just have a mattress on the floor to sleep on, and a chest for clothes, pretty much. I have talked to him about this, and agreed that he could move the mattress into his doorway that leads into the hall at night. I told him that my only requirement was that he not block the pathway in the hall and make it impossible or dangerous for me and others to walk through the house. That’s the plan. Your thoughts and suggestions???

Well, we still have his party to deal with, and the weekend. We are having a small birthday party at the park Friday. Only immediate family and one or two friends from school.

Oh, one more big question for you: I have always, from very early on, thought that Tony needed medication for his mood, rather than for ADHD (or in addition, or whatever). After learning more about RAD, I realize that a significant number of RADishes are helped by medication for mood disorders. However, I know the psychiatrist at Children’s, Dr. Latamia White, is very cautious. We already convinced her to prescribe Lexapro and Abilify for Kellye. I’m afraid if I suggest something like that for Tony she’s just going to think I am looking for medication to solve all of our problems. But, the more I learn, the more I am convinced that Tony is depressed. He hates life. He hates himself. He’s angry all the time. What is your opinion about medication for Tony along the line of anti-depressant, or whatever?



April 19, 2008



I’ll start by covering the birthday party which was, for the most part uneventful. We had just the immediate family and Vincent at the park. We had cake, ice cream, and Hawaiian Punch. 2 presents—a billfold from us and the DVD “Game Plan” from Grandmother (which had been pre-selected and approved). The only significant incident at the park was that Tony asked if Vincent could spend the night “just for my birthday”, to which I said, “No,” in no uncertain terms, but with empathy. However, after arriving home, Tony asked if he could watch his new movie. I told him that it was too close to bedtime, but that he could watch it Saturday. He pitched a huge fit, but eventually calmed down and went to bed.

Saturday morning I stayed in bed while James and Tony watched his new movie. When the movie was over I heard an argument. Tony was asking for money to put in his new billfold. James refused to give it to him, and reminded him of the rule about the money and the billfold. Tony pitched a fit and was harassing James about the money. He even pushed James, and then held the bathroom door shut to keep James from coming out. He picked up a screw driver and pointed it to his chest, saying that he might as well die. At that point I called Dr. Corbin. I debated briefly about calling 911 first, then Dr. Corbin, but decided to call her first. Her answering service contacted her, and she quickly called me back. By this time, however, Tony was calm. Dr. Corbin advised me to call 911 the very next time, no matter what. She said that once the police arrive we could determine whether we thought we could transport Tony safely to Children’s or whether we needed the police to transport him for us. She mentioned that Tony has been told that we would call 911 any time he threatens himself or others, and that he is obviously crying out for help. We also discussed the need for some kind of medication for Tony’s mood. She had been thinking that he needed one, and I had planned on discussing that with her at our next session. Though medication would not magically change Tony’s behavior problems, it would hopefully give him an edge which might help him manage his behavior more effectively. I know that he is angry and sad all the time. Of course, his idea of happiness is getting his way about everything. Still he has a lot of sadness and anger to cope with. I also mentioned to Dr. Corbin that James had suggested that Tony miss Monday’s session because of his ballgame, and that we come alone. She did not think that was a good idea. I had not thought so either, but wanted to be able to tell James that she wanted Tony there.

After the “storm” was over, I encouraged James to take a nap. Tony rambled through his book bag for a while, and then I started talking to him about what had happened. I told him that we love him very much, even though it doesn’t seem that way when we don’t give him what he wants. I said that it felt that way partly because when he was a baby Amanda didn’t give him what he needed when he needed it. So, now he thinks that we don’t love him unless we give him whatever he wants or do whatever he says. I reminded him about positive self-talk, and had him practice saying several times, “My mom and dad love me even when they don’t give me what I want.” He asked me why I wanted him to “scream” out his anger, since I have been encouraging him to do more of that lately. I told him that learning to use his angry words was the best way to get rid of his anger in a safe way. I also told him that when he gets angry with us or with Kellye NOW, that a little part of his anger is “new” anger, and I held my finger and thumb close together to indicate a small amount. But that some of his anger was “old” anger from things that happened a long time ago. I told him that it was normal to be angry about the way he was treated as a baby. That it made me angry, too. I used my finger and thumb to indicate a large amount to describe the “old” anger. I told him that when he screams out his anger that the new anger gets smushed, using my fingers to illustrate, and that he also gets rid of a little bit of the old anger, again using my fingers to illustrate. I told him that if he screams out his anger over and over every time he gets angry that eventually the old anger will shrink down to nearly nothing. I know these are just seeds that will have to be fertilized and watered in order to really sink in with Tony. I can only hope that it does eventually make a difference.


Warrior Mom

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