My Journey With Attachment Disorder

General Update

March 3, 2008
A friend at church asked me how things were going, and since I had not sent out any updated e-mails recently, except to those on my special friends list, I sent the following update to her. It is a bit of a review, and includes some things already recorded in this journal. However, it'sa good way to summarize things up to this poing.

Both children have new counselors. We are very pleased so far. Kellye has only met with hers once, so we can't tell exactly how things will go yet, but she came highly recommended. We will also be meeting with a separate family counselor who is a colleague of Kellye's counselor, in order to discuss more effective things to do at home. We will meet with her on Friday. I have a lot of questions about what I should expect from Kellye. I have tried so many things over the last couple of years. I've tried being very restrictive; I’ve tried giving her some freedom. I haven't been pleased with anything I've done so far. I would like some professional guidance concerning what I can reasonably expect from her, and how to handle her defiant attitude. This morning she refused to go to church. She said she wasn't "religious" right now, and felt like a hypocrite. I have discussed this with her several times, and explained to her that whether she feels like she is living right or not, she needs to go to church. And, that, because she is still a minor, she doesn't have a choice. However, this morning, she still refused to come. Once we got to church James saw John Rice and told him the situation. He and Denise, with our permission, went to the house and told Kellye they were there to pick her up for church. She didn't give them a hard time, and came right on with them. But I cried all during church. Not because of Kellye's behavior, but because the lessons were so good, and the songs were so good. All I could think about was God's love for Kellye, and how Christ died for her, and how she was turning her back on that love.

I pray that therapy will help her find the healing she needs. According to the therapist we met with in Memphis, she is suffering from trauma as a result of exposure to violence in her early life. There is also a possibility that exposure to drugs and alcohol during pregnancy caused some degree of brain damage in that part of her brain that helps her have self-control The medical field is doing more and more research about that, and finding that it is so much more prevalent than we could imagine. She also has a very low self-esteem, which is typical with adopted children. She feels that there must be something wrong with her because her own parents didn't want to keep her. Until she can love herself, and believe in her self-worth, she will continue to make poor choices. I can only try to protect her as best I can, and pray that God will keep her from making a choice that would be devastating.

There is some good news for Tony, though. In my searches for answers, I kept hearing the term "Reactive Attachment Disorder" (RAD) in connection with adopted children. I looked into that, and found that the symptoms are so descriptive of the behaviors we have witnessed in Tony all these years. I remember that his counselor used that term way back in the beginning of our sessions with him. I just didn't understand it, and should have questioned him more about it. Once I read up on it, I realized that we needed to find someone who had experience working with RAD children. I am reading a book called, Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children. It has opened my eyes to Tony's strange behavior all these years. His strange, irrational fears, his fight to the death to not let parents be the boss, his rages, and so forth. As it turns out, RAD is caused by extreme abuse and neglect when the child is an infant and toddler. It can also be caused by exposure to drugs and alcohol during pregnancy. We know that Tony experienced all of these things.

Essentially, what happens is that the child is left alone in his crib to cry and cry, when he is hungry, wet, dirty, sore, in pain, afraid, etc.... Even when the parent does respond it is not consistent. And sometimes it's even violent. So, the child learns that adults are not good people. You can't trust them to take care of you. All those battles with Tony, trying to make him understand and accept that we are the boss--that was like a life or death fight for him. The last thing he could do was to let go of his power, and put his life in our hands. At the same time, he has terrifying fears of being alone, even just alone in his room, or in his bed, and even if it's daylight. Anger, rage, defiance. These were all of the life-saving skills my son had to learn in order to survive his first 3 years of life.

Now that he has an excellent therapist who has lots of experience working with RAD children, she is helping him so much. And, she is doing a great job modeling for me. I absorb every thing that I can in her sessions. I try to notice how she moves from one topic to another, how she picks up on what he needs. She is amazing. The book I'm reading is amazing, too. It's as close as you can get to a step-by-step instruction book on how to do RAD therapy at home. Of course it must be supervised and monitored by someone is accredited in that field. I take my responsibility to do our therapy at home, as seriously as a patient would take the need to do physical therapy. I am keeping a journal on my computer so that we can keep track of the progress. I also print out a copy of each journal entry and either mail it or take to Dr. Corbin, so that we can see what we've accomplished this week. I tell you what. That's enough for you to absorb for one day. I'll tell more about the specific therapy next time I write. This is special therapy just for the healing of RAD kids, if you would like to learn more about it. Now that I'm learning it, I am fascinated by it, and it constantly amazes me at how it affects Tony right after one.


Warrior Mom

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