Dear Lucy

October 9th

                                                                                                      October, 9th, 2007

Dear Lucy!

I just came back home from work. The day was...well, let's just start with the morning, okay?

It was hard for me to stay calm when leaving my apartment to go to work. I was so damn scared of what was expecting me there.

The whole way, the whole time I was sat in the tram and bus, the worst case scenarios came up in my mind. With everybody in the company standing all over the building, pointing their fingers at me and laughing their heads off. With Dana being in the middle of them, laughing the hardest. Or, in the other case, coming towards me and slapping me right in the face for doing something as stupid as I had done. It wasn't a very nice feeling, I'm telling you.

I walked extra slowly towards work, hoping I would never reach it. Unfortunately, I did reach it. Luckily no one else was there when I entered the building and I kind of sneaked into my bureau. Mark wasn't there yet and I immediately hid behind my computer. I only quickly looked up when he came in a few minutes after me. A low "morning" escaped my lips. Beside that, I busied myself with my work. I felt Mark's eyes on me once or twice through the morning.

Normally we do chat in between our work. Today though, an uncomfortable silence had fallen over our bureau. Until, yes, until I got the message.

We have that inhouse mailing system. I haven't used it before. Especially since I had no need to until today. Mark is doing all the correspondence that is necessary for our department. And I don't really know anybody from the company yet. Besides Mark and - Dana.

It was from her, that I got my first message. I was just replacing some articles we had taken out of our program when a little envelop shot up on the screen. That baffled me a bit, but I moved my cursor onto it. The name "Dana Mhore" came up.

I had to swallow and quickly moved the cursor away from the icon again. My eyes stayed transfixed to it though. What to do? What was she writing? Would it be a good idea to open it? I thought for a moment, that I could still say that I never got any mail. Nah, stupid idea. She probably could see if I got the mail and opened it already. Lying about it would just put me into an even worse place than I was in already.

I had no other chance but to open the mail:

'Hey there, are you in?'

That was it!?! Another hard swallow. My fingers were shaking as they flew over the key board.

'Hi! Yes, I'm here.'

Great. Wonderful answer. Short, precise and pretty lame. But my head was blank and I couldn't think of anything else to write. I hit the send button. It didn't take long for the envelope to come up again. Another hard swallow.

'Thank you. For the bunny.'

I felt a smile tickle my lips. So, she wasn't angry. The envelope came up again before I could type in an answer.

'And for the card. That was very kind of you.'

The smile on my lips grew bigger.

'No need to thank me. I hope you like the bunny. And the card. And what I said on it.....'

My fingers were tapping the mouse buttons as I was waiting for her answer.

'I liked it a lot. No one has done that for me before.'

I was stunned at that. I thought she was married, with a child.

'No one?!'

'Nope. Well, in that way anyway.

And the bunny is really cute. It already has found it's perfect place in my bureau.'

'I was scared.'

I felt that it was okay to tell her that. Maybe if I was open to her, it would be easier for her to talk with me.

':-?? Scared? What about?'

'That you would think it stupid or something.'

'No, absolutely not. Don't worry.'

I exhaled at her mail. It let a heavy weight fall off my heart. For a few minutes I didn't know what to write and just sat there staring at her last message. The envelope coming up again reminded me that she was waiting on the other end.

'Hello? Are you still with me?'

'I'm here. I was just thinking. I....what I wrote on the card...'

'Yes? It's okay. I understand. You don't have to feel bound to anything.'

Oh no! She must have understood it in the wrong way. I didn't know how to write it and had sent off the message without explaining what I wanted to tell her. I hurried to reassure her.

'No, that's not what I wanted to say. I just wanted to tell you that I meant what I wrote on the card.'

This time it was me waiting for the next message. I was sat like a cat on a hot tin roof. Then the easing blinking of the envelope.

'Thank you. So very much. I don't know what to say to that. It's good to know that there is someone out there thinking of you.'

'I'm always thinking of you.' My fingers had typed the words before I could react. But as quick as they had appeared on the screen, I hit the back button and deleted them again. That was too much. Instead I typed:

'Care for lunch?'

'Yes. Come over to my office when you're ready. I know a good place near by, where we could go to.'

'Count on me.'

I leaned back in my chair after I had sent the last message. The uneasy feeling of this morning had disappeared and was replaced by a feeling of calmness and joy. I had pleased her with the bunny and card. That was good. Very good.

The half hour until lunch break felt like eternity. I was stood in front of Dana's office as soon as my clock said 12.

She called a soft "Come in" when I knocked at her door. Stepping in, I saw her sitting at her desk She was still deeply in her work and only raised a hand to hold me back for a moment.

That gave me enough time to have a look around her work place.

It looked comfortable with green flowers on the window sill. There were cupboards on every wall, filled with folders. Some of them with the names of our supply firms, others with dates written on them.

My eyes fell onto some pictures that were placed on the walls in between the cupboards. They showed landscapes and waterfalls of far away countries.

I guess Dana is into travelling and nature.

My glance wandered around the room some more. Her desk was loaded with folders. It looked like a lot of work for her. At one side of the table stood her PC.

In between the folders and papers on her desk I saw two pictures frames. I was curious what was on the pictures in them, but unfortunately they faced away from me. I suppose it's her family.

And then my eyes fell on the bunny. It was sat on the left side of the picture frames with the card behind it.

I had to smile, inwardly. It seemed, like it did really mean something to her.

Dana chose that moment to close the folder she had been reading through and looked up. She must have seen me staring at the bunny, as she reached out a hand and softly padded it's head.

"I think he's feeling pretty comfortable there." She mused and gave me a soft smile.

I had to smile in answer.

"Who says that it's a him?" I asked, raising a brow.

Dana laughed and got up from her chair.

"That's right. But I think it's a him. I haven't found a fitting name yet, though."

She came around the desk and reached for a jacket hanging beside the door. Her hand disappeared into the pocked and pulled out a key and purse.

I watched her closely. Today she looked refreshed. That certain shining had returned to her eyes, the sadness had disappeared. I hoped deeply, that she wasn't just playing it. That she really felt better. I didn't ask because I didn't want to ruin the moment.

"So, where are we going?"

Dana opened her office door and gave me a cheeky grin.

"Don't be so nosy. You will see. It's good, I promise."

"Well then..." I followed her reached out arm and left her bureau. She was close behind me as we walked along the floor.

"I just hope it's not too far away. I'm starving."

"Don't worry. We'll take my car. It's only ten minutes."

I was curious where she was taking me, but I felt comfortable that it would be good. If she said so.

It was an italian restaurant. During the drive we hadn't said much. I was nervous as to what subject to chose and she didn't seem to be that bothered that we were sat beside each other in silence.

When we entered the restaurant, I was surprised to find it packed with people. With a sideway glance, Dana said:

"It's an insider hit. Whenever possible many people from the companies around here are coming in for lunch break. It's hard to get a free table. But..." She grinned at me cheeky and went to one of the waitresses. After a few words, we were led to a table on the back of the room. It was only a small table with two chairs, but it was perfect for us.

I had to laugh at Dana as she winked at me.

"Connections, you know."

The food was delicious and I bet I will go there as often as possible.

Besides that, the lunch was great as well. We talked. At first a bit hesitantly. About the weather and how I liked my new work. I told her that I was just working myself through the departments, hoping to end up with the web designer position.

When we got our food, me lasagne, she a pizza margarita, I took my whole courage and went into deeper subjects.

"So, you have a child?" I asked looking at her for a reaction.

She didn't look up at first, pulling the pieces of her pizza apart so they would cool down quicker.

"Yes. Thinking of that, I have to remind Mark not to be so pertly."

Her eyes caught mine.

"Are you ashamed of being a mother?" I asked, surprised that she might feel that way.

"Oh no!" Dana's eyes got big and she waved me off immediately. "Absolutely not! Tess is my sunshine. And I'm so very, very proud of her."

I had to smile at the love audible in Dana's voice.

"It's just...it makes me sound old."

Dana rolled her eyes and bit onto a piece of pizza.

A laugh from my side.

"Well, I have to say, I didn't expect you to be a mother."

"No? Why not?"

"You just didn't seem like one."

"I don't know if that is a compliment or not."

Dana smirked at me and I felt myself blush.

"I meant it in a good way. I'm sure you're a wonderful mother. My first impression of you was that you are a business woman and that family might come second with you."

I heard myself say the words and to me they sounded like an accusation. Dana didn't take it that way luckily.

"I am a family person. I love my family. Work comes second for me. I would do anything for my baby. But unfortunately, life doesn't allow for me to stay at home and be a housewife."

A flicker of sadness crossed Dana's face. I feared she would pull away from me again.

"How old is Tess?"

I had been curious what she meant with "my life doesn't allow me to be a house wife", but decided to instead go for a safer subject.

"Her full name is Tessa. And she's five now. She's starting school next year. She's like a little angel. Golden hair and her dad's blue eyes."

There was some kind of answer to my not asked question. There still was a husband. So that couldn't be the reason why she had to work and couldn't stay at home.

"Sounds beautiful."

I smiled at Dana and she nodded.

There were a few minutes of silence between us. Until I broke it again.

"What's your husband doing?"

Her head shot up and she dropped the piece of pizza she had held in her hands to the plate.

"Ai, damn!" Dana grabbed the napkin laying beside her plate and wiped off her cloths even though nothing had dropped there.

I watched her, wondering what I had done to get a reaction like that. Then her eyes met mine. I saw that she was unsure of what to say. Our glances held onto each other for a few split seconds. I felt my heart speeding up, waiting for an answer. When she lowered her eyes, she responded in a soft, barely audible voice.

"Frank is a business manager."

The answer was short and I had to fight to hear it. I tried to not let Dana see my irritation. What was I suppose to do now? Ask further? Let this subject be?

"Do you like your lasagne?"

Dana took that choice from me as she changed the subject herself.

I quickly realised what she was doing but decided to leave it be. Maybe she just doesn't like talking about her family. Even though I had gotten the impression that she didn't have a problem talking about Tessa.

"It's great. Thank you for bringing me here."

"It's my pleasure. Thank you for accompanying me."

The sweet smile had returned to Dana's face. I felt relieved about it.

After some minutes in which we just sat at the table eating our lunch, Dana picked up the conversation again.

"So, why don't you tell me some stuff about you?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, there isn't that much to talk about. I grew up in Leimen. Have a mother and a father." I winked at Dana. "I have no sisters or brothers, went to school, had a happy childhood, did my apprenticeship in web design in Heidelberg, didn't find a proper job in that business direction, but was happy because I was in a long term relationship, broke up and moved to Würzburg. And now I'm sat here with you."

I shrugged again. There really isn't that much to say about me. I think I have a pretty boring live.

"Where's Leimen?"

"Oh. That's a few kilometres south of Heidelberg. Small town, vineyards and tourists, nothing too fancy."

"How come you came to Würzburg then?"

Dana had finished her Pizza and was dropping her napkin on her plate. She looked at me curiously.

"Well, Heidelberg didn't offer me what I wanted to do. Then I found out about this job offer in a new, young internet company with the exact job I've always wanted. I thought it is a good chance to start my new life. Plus, Würzburg is so nice. I grew up in a region like that. So, it's perfect. I feel home without being home."

"Yes, it is a beautiful town." Dana waited a second. I felt her watching me as I finished my lunch as well and put down my knife and fork. An uneasy feeling came up inside of me. The one subject I really didn't want to talk about she hadn't scratched yet. And I really wasn't in the mood to think of Jasmin now. This lunch break was just too nice and thinking about her and what happened between us, just hurts too much still. I prayed she had missed me mentioning my long term relationship. I wasn't that lucky.

"May I ask, why you broke up with your boyfriend?"

There was a certain carefulness swinging in Dana's voice as she took a last sip of her water.

I swallowed and lowered my gaze to my empty plate. God damn it! I really don't want to seem like a jerk, keeping stuff from her when asking myself why she doesn't want to talk about her problems. But this subject is something I prefer to push away, for now. I came to Würzburg to start new and not to keep on being reminded of Jasmin. What do I expect though? When you get to know someone new, be it a person you could start a new relationship with or a person you could become friends with, you will always have to talk about stuff like that. It's a part of my life. And it's only fair to tell her. Besides, it would be good for her to know I'm gay as well, right? Looked like she didn't realise that part about me yet.

I usually don't keep my sexual orientation a secret. I learned that people should accept me the way I am. If they don't, fine. Don't be my friend. Then you're not worth it anyway. On the other hand, I don't make the whole thing a big subject. I don't get why I should introduce myself as gay Myra. Others don's say: "Hi! I'm leather Dirk!". Right? Right.

I was spared from answering when the waitress chose that exact moment to come to our table and ask if everything was to our satisfaction.

"It was great. As always." Dana said with a bright smile and pulled out her purse.

"Ah, no! No! The bill's on me!" I interrupted her action.

Dana's eyes shot up and she raised a hand to stop me in return.

"No way. I got us here. I pay."

"And I asked you out for lunch in the first place." I retorted with a raised brow. The waitress shook her head and laughed at us.

"You two sort that out while I go get the bill." With that she disappeared.

I held Dana's gaze, willing to stare her down. She didn't flinch and we looked at each other for a few seconds without saying a word. My stomach started to tickle as our gaze deepened. Suddenly I felt as if I got pulled in by her brown eyes. They seemed warm and as if they were able to look into the deepest parts of my soul. Suddenly, the bill didn't seem to be the reason for us staring at each other. Something else was there. I can't explain it. I have never felt anything like this before. But it didn't make me uncomfortable or anything. Just warm and nice deep inside.

She must have felt it, too. Or maybe my stare made her feel uneasy. That's probably why she looked away at first. Her eyes dropped to the purse in her hands and she was looking through the bank notes in it.

I had to shake my head to free my mind and get myself back together. Then I pulled some money out of my trouser pocket.

"Please, let me pay." My voice sounded shaky and nervous. I don't know if she heard it as well or if it was just in my mind. I pray, she didn't realize it.

As answer I only got a nod of her head.

I smiled to myself and watched her put away her purse again. Then she looked up at me. Our eyes met again but we both broke it up before something like just a second ago could happen again.

"You pay next time." I told her with a grin after I had settled today's bill.

"I will hope so." She answered.

I wasn't sure if she meant the bill or if it was about a next time. But I hope she was talking about the next time. I would love to do that again. It was the best lunch break since coming to Würzburg. Maybe the best in my life.

It was hard for me to go back to work. Maybe she felt the same. Because she walked just as slowly as me from the car back to our company building. We didn't say a word as we entered and walked up the stairs.

I stopped at her door and turned around to thank her for everything. She was busy unlocking her door. I felt as if she avoided my eyes as she pushed the door open. But didn't enter.

"That was...:" I had to search for words.

"...nice. It was very nice." Dana finished for me and looked at me. A warm smile on her lips. "Thank you very much. I haven't had that much fun in a while."

Her words sounded so sad. It broke my heart to think that there was something so bad happening in her life that even a small lunch break could be more fun than she had had for a long time.

I couldn't stop my hand as it flew up and squeezed her left upper arm gently. She was a bit surprised about that gesture, but didn't move back from my touch. Instead she smiled again.

"It was just as much fun for me. I hope we will be able to do that again?"

I was scared of the answer. No need to be.

It looked as if she had waited for a question like that. As if she had wanted to hear a question like that. Her body relaxed visibly as she breathed out.

"Of course we can. I would love to."

"Good." I grinned and dropped my hand from her arm. "I hope you'll have a nice rest of the day."

"You as well." Dana said and I took a few steps backwards, nodding my head. Then I turned around and went to my own bureau.

I heard her door close only shortly before I entered my office. Had she been watching me go?

Mark wasn't in yet. That gave me the chance to drop down on my chair, lean back and take a deep breath. I felt good. I'm telling you. I haven't felt that good in days and weeks either. It was just a god damn lunch break, but it made me feel relaxed and warm. It gave me enough power for the rest of the day and even now that I'm writing this, I still feel this warmth inside of me.

Am I crazy? How is something like that possible to happen? I don't know and I don't care. It's a good feeling. And I can't wait for the next shot of it. Do drug addicts feel that way?

You must indeed call me crazy. Comparing myself to a drug addict. But there's no other way for me to describe how I felt and how I'm feeling. As if I'm kind of high. Does she feel the same? That's totally stupid of me to ask. But maybe there is a chance that we could become friends and that I can make her feel as good as she's doing to me.

I think I have taken enough of your time for today. Today's entry got a bit long. It's just...thank you for listening to me. It's good to have someone to talk to and share my feelings with. Without being judged.

Take care and have a good day tomorrow.

Yours,


                                                          Myra