Mental Meanderings

Coming Back from Hiatus

Ok, so I've been slack and very, very naughty. Is that REALLY a WHOLE WEEK without a blog entry? I'm sorry everyone and I'm sorry to myself. I fell off the blogville wagon on a serious low, felt bad about giving up Nano and since I'd written that last poor excuse for and entry and then not followed through the next morning. *sighs* It all just seemed to accumulate into a pit of 'Why bother?'

At the moment I feel like my life is running on slow play rewind. You know how back in times long past you could rewind a video while watching it in slow play? It would go backward, really, really, slowly and you'd see people flying back up onto the top of buildings and chickens going back into eggs?

Ok... Well um... It was a long time ago, I swear I didn't watch things like that too often. *chuckles* Anyway, that's what my life feels like at the moment. Every time I think I'm moving forward I'm falling further and further behind. There is so much I want to accomplish and a great deal of the time I'm making little to no progress and what I didn't do yesterday gets added to what I need to do today so the list just grows, and grows and grows until it topples on top of me crushing my spirit.

I guess all I can really do is keep trudging onward. Focus on getting ONE thing done and do it. Then focus on the next thing, and the next and hope that eventually things are completed that I can knock off the list. The list mightn't get any smaller but perhaps I can keep up with it instead of going backwards.

For me, focusing on a single task is actually rather difficult. You know this thing called multitasking? I'm so good at it that doing one thing at a time feels like doing nothing and I struggle to keep my mind on track. Maybe I've got a strange version of attention deficit disorder. *grimaces* But I feel like I run at my best when I'm challenging myself doing multiple things at once.

Even at this moment while writing my blog I keep having to firmly insist I DON'T wander off and do some housework, open PSP to work on a logo, or start writing my Tennyson article, design the description of the Poetry Forms Seminar or Ponder Poetry, write some poetry or chat in scroll. All of these things are on my list to get done but if I'm doing them at this moment then I could not be finishing my blog.

And that's where chaos stems really isn't it. Because I get distracted from each task by moving onto another before I finish and so none of them get completed. I also find that the logo for example is causing me issues because I haven't solved the problem of what to design. My head swirls trying to find the perfect idea and I browse hunting for images and inspiration and nothing triggers so I get frustrated that I'm wasting so much time and not getting anywhere.

*sighs* I'm going around in circles. Meanwhile, the rest of my day has to get accomplished at some point. Lunch, post office, Kaylie from school, housework, etc. Those are just the things I HAVE to do. Everything else I accomplish lately seems to be a bonus.

In a way I'm thankful not to have the pressure of NaNo on top of everything now. But I'm still disappointed in myself. I had such big plans and the project is a truly brilliant one but now I've lost the motivation to continue it. Then every few hours I wonder if maybe, just maybe I can take the week late and still manage to toss 50,000 words together for SOMETHING even if the end produce is a monsterous jumble of stringless plots that make no sense and vapid characters that are completely unlikable. Then I figure, "Why Bother"? *sighs* Back to where I started this blog aren't I? Irony of the slow play rewind.