Ten-Finger Exercises

Getting Your Back Up

I haven't heard the phrase "getting your back up" in a long time. So in case it's unfamiliar, it means to be defensive. I tend to be a little shy asking questions of strangers, although I've been doing it every day for years and years now. The trouble is, I don't know what questions will get their back up and what won't. My mother's back was constantly up, and I have to be careful not to have my own up too. Nothing provokes another's defensive response as well as a defensive start.

Maybe that's true of martial arts, or warfare, or even driving; I don't know. There's some point at which a person's words or tone of voice or body language say clearly, "You better watch out for yourself if you're coming near me." You're fortunate, if they meant it, that you caught on.

The puzzling part is that the first speaker, who is intimidated and defensive, often has no idea she's sending out that kind of message, no idea she is making trouble rather than avoiding it. (Feel free to argue about this with me, because it's no sacred cow. I've thought about it before this moment, but not much.)

What I was thinking about will probably surprise you because it's so far afield of any of the examples I just gave. I've mentioned before that in my job as a hospice chaplain I need to get a little history from people to do an assessment. I don't get many tries to get it right. People's backs come up if they feel like I'm judging them, and that, of course, makes them clam up tighter than a...clam. (That's tight enough.)

Right now I have a 60 yr old woman who I met last week for the first time. She was lying in bed with her eyes shut, but, to my surprise, was awake and answered questions the social worker asked. Because spirituality is a hard topic to talk about anyway, even among spiritually open people, I prefer to wait till there isn't an audience to ask my questions. Even then, I have a hard time. There aren't any good handles on the word to come at it from: it isn't one of Groucho's "common household words that you hear every day," as he labeled his secret word for the day.

This woman, whom I'll call Martha, according to her husband who did all the talking, went to a Nazarene college. Yet when I asked if they had any religious affiliation, they said no. Nor did they want prayer. So I'm thinking hard about what I want to ask her and why.

If she used to be very religious (as many who would choose a Nazarene college might be,) then I wonder what happened to change her thinking. Something she needs to get out? Even if she might at first resist? See, there's the tug.

My ex-husband went on a cursillo, a Christian 3-day retreat, last weekend. He said he was on the prayer team, and he prayed for people during the healing service among others.
It was hard for him, a very closed-up-tight person, to deal with because some of his own stuff came floating up, like the death of his father when he was 15. That's astounding in itself, that he would let it surface long enough to even give a name to, let alone tell me about. I bet that's one thing we don't think about: asking for prayer is sometimes healing for the "healer" as well.

(That was another surprise, to see how many people have no trouble at all saying they don't want prayer. I would have let someone even if I was uncomfortable about it, I think. I'm not very assertive, but that isn't the norm any more.)

Back on subject, how would you respond to having these questions asked of you? Which ones are too invasive? Too obscure?

Would you say you are religious? How about spiritual?
Would you please tell me a little about your spirituality?
Do you believe in a Supreme Being? Would you describe what you mean?
What gives your life meaning? In the past? Future?
What, if anything, do you believe happens after death?
Is there anything you would change, or ask forgiveness for, if you could?
Is there anything you would like to have happen before you die? After?

I'll think of some more questions while I go fold laundry. Thanks for your help. I need it.