Mental Meanderings

Are We Scarring Our Children?

In every life there are events that have adverse effects on our future. For the most part it is the interactions between humans that have the most significant impact and sometimes the emotional scars cannot be seen or felt for years, if ever. I've recently begun thinking about what impact my life is having on others. It worries me to think that my dealings with other people may have left inadvertant damage.

A situation recently brought this sort of fear to light. That day I'd been into Perth and bought over one hundred dollars worth of writing books. If you look down my entries over the past month you'll find mention in there a couple of times about these wonderful books. Perhaps I even brought up the situation and my concern already but my memory is horrid and I wanted to go more in depth with the concept.

Anyway, I'd left the books on my desk which is generally a no-go zone for my children. My desk is scattered with papers, scrap, notes, notepads, reminders, to-do lists, etc. It's also covered in pens providing easy access to adding more notes to this array of paper. My two year old, being a normal enough child is facinated with drawinging.

I'd left them in the room while I went to cook the evening meal and when I returned I found him rather prouding seated in my chair, leaning over my desk. He had a studious look on his face, a blue ball point (my trademark pens) in his hand and my brand new books, pages open, before him.

At the time I reacted without thought. I freaked out and I went off at him. "OMG How DARE you draw in my books. You DON'T touch Mummy's things. These are MINE and you're not to TOUCH!" I stood over him, dominant and overbearing. I was totally in his space doing the whole alpha-bitch routine and my little cub cowered and burst into tears.

At that point I sat beside him on the chair, pulled him face to face talking to the top of his head, "Do you understand Josh? You know you're not allowed to draw unless I give you paper. Mummy is very upset because these are her books. They're new and they're very precious to Mummy. All books are special and they should never be drawn on. Look at me honey, do you understand? Now say you're sorry and give Mummy a hug."

Through hiccoughs and wet cheeks he snuggled into a hug and I held him tightly starting to realise that I'd overreacted and come down really hard on my two year old little boy. Even then I'd started to wonder what the adverse effects might be. I started to worry that my reprimanding his attempts at creativity at this age could have scarred him for life. At two years old he'd been attempting to write, to make art, to use his imagination and his creativity but for doing so he was severely scalded. Perhaps he'll never want to, or enjoy doing any of these things again?

As a mother who was stiffled creatively myself in early childhood I've been very conscious of giving my children encouragement and the freedom to get messy, and learn from play, and draw and read and write and sing and play loud music on saucepans, recorders, and toy banjos. From the moment my daughter took crayon to hand I was enthusing over her 'drawings'. They didn't look like anything in particular, mearly scribbles but the praise wasn't for the picture it was for the effort it took to create, the willingness to TRY.

I want my children to be outgoing and daring. I want them to be willing to face anything in life. I want them to believe all they dream of is possible. I want them to strive for whatever they want knowing that with effort, determination and steadfast focus on the goal they CAN achieve ANYTHING!!!

In one heated moment I'm brought to my knees. Realising that despite KNOWING better I'd reacted badly. I was (in that moment) a bad mother. I clarify that statement because I also know that in general I'm a really good mother. I know children learn better from positive reinforcement then from negative. I know that the best way to make a child realise they've done something wrong is to sit with them and explain why it's not a good thing to do. I know that children are never bad, they do bad things but they as human beings on this earth are wonderful, spirited, souls. I don't believe people are born bad, they are made that way by the world around them.

I'm aware now that while I've tried to do the best I can for my children, I'm not perfect. There are occassions in life that produce blocks, leave scars, and I realise that while I've tried to have a positive influence on the lives of everyone I've come in contact with there are probably a few scars out there that I'd never intended to leave. Just as others have left scars on me without realising they were doing it.

I think it's important we reflect on our scars, to see where they came from, remember what cause them, and put the situation into perspective. I think it's also important to examine what these damages have prevented you from doing. With the understanding of why perhaps we can work past the blocks and heal the wounds. Let the scars fade.

While we look in upon ourselves and our own scars. Be more aware of your place in the lives of other people. I know I'll continue to try and nuture the creativity and dreams of my children. I'll be more aware and hopefully less quick to anger and reaction remembering that what I do, how I act, what I say could leave marks that never fade.

I wonder how many parents out there are scarring their children. Physical abuse is a horrible thing, but the bruises left on the outside can be seen, saved, the bruises in even some of the most loving of homes go unnoticed, unrecognised. It is these marks that leave lasting wounds to a child. We as adults look back able to see the emotional scars and to see that when they were inflicted we had no idea the damage that was being caused.

Are we scarring our children? For generations yes, but if we become aware of it, perhaps the generations to follow will abound in children who grow into teenagers and adults, confident in their abilities, confident in their place in the world, and who still have the ability to believe, to create, and to truly, unjudgementally, love.