Ten-Finger Exercises

More about mourning

Now I've been ruminating on Barbs' blog, and want to add some more. Grief groups aren't for everyone. THey are groups, rather than classes. The interaction and telling of stories takes up most of the time. There are two books, one by Alan Wolfelt called Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. The other is the accompanying journal for people to write in.

Grief is the package of emotions and attitudes that comes with a loss, of any kind. Mourning is the outward expression of those feelings, the telling of our stories. Mourning is the work of grieving, the external vs. the internal. We mourn by crying, talking, hollering, writing, acting, dancing, journalling--all sorts of ways when the subject is our loss.

When we get very busy with social activities, look like we're 'holding up well,' and seldom seem down in spirits or tearful, we're most likely avoiding the work. That includes, maybe especially, volunteering to help others, if it focuses us on someone else's problems without some private inner tussling about our own pain afterwards.

Another difficulty today's society encounters in grief situations is fractured families. Not just members who've moved away, but who've been out of touch, intentionally or unintentionally, and show up devestated to see their loved one like this. Siblings from other marriages know a different person, may still hold grudges against a parent for abandoning them and remarrying.

There's lots of pain out there, and few people who will listen without trying to make things better. A good listener can't change the situation, can only help the mourner tell the story. I've often thought of my role as grief counselor to be like the "he said" and "she said" of story writing. I advance the story, intruding as little as possible, but keep it flowing. When the flow stops, sometimes I'll reset the scene with a question or comment until it comes on again.

Off to work, all.