Ten-Finger Exercises

Shades of Grief

Tonight was the second of a ten-week grief group I'm running with a chaplain co-worker. She is quiet spoken, precise, dare I say a little pedantic? Very much an introverted, sensation, thinking, judging type, for those of you familiar with the Jungian typology made famous by Myers-Briggs. For those of you not familiar with it, I highly recommend it. It will help you develop characters, and understand some of the characters in your own life.

The ISTP personality preference, as above, is what my mother was. When I first took the test, in abbreviated form in a book by Kiersey Bates called Please Understand Me,
I discovered that I was a different type from her. That was a huge discovery: I thought I was just lousy at being like her, the model of how people should be.

Well, except for the introverted part, I'm exactly opposite her, and my partner in tonight's group.

That has great advantages if both sides are tolerant. We notice different needs in the group and can comment on them or invite those people in closer.

Last week the group consisted of 6 women, one of them a friend visiting from out of state and gone tonight forever. Another was the very recent widow in her 90's, out of town tonight. A young woman with three children under six who lost her mother and hasn't had any opportunity to process it, being new to the community. A mother and daughter were there, grieving the loss of son and brother. It was clear that they coped by joking a lot, which can get in the way of the work they need to do as well as lighten it from time to time. I was glad they didn't sit together tonight. They didn't play off each other as much. Another woman, a pastor's widow, added to group consistantly.

Two new arrivals who were in big need came into the mix tonight, one late. A man in his 50's whose wife died suddenly last year from clots in her lungs is really depressed. (I had blood clots in my leg and then lungs also following a prescription for birth control pills about 15 years ago, so that felt too close to home.)

The lady who came late lost her sister, her well-known, world traveling peace advocate sister, who came to live out her last weeks here. There are two other siblings who are not close, and are not helpful to this one who needs to be heard, not to be treated as if she's playing for attention.

I do like this part of the work better than the regular visits. Each time I'm as anxious as if I were waiting for a blind date, hoping they'll show up. After they've arrived I'm fine.