Mental Meanderings

How did that happen?

I woke up this morning and Josh was in my bed. He was kicking me, as he often does when asleep in my bed, and his kicking me woke me up. I thought Kaylie had decided to join me in the early hours because I'd already put her back into bed once during the night when she tried to join me. She's usually pretty good about it, gets up, asks to join me (no harm in asking since sometimes, especially if it's nearly time to get up, I'll let her), it was just after midnight so I said no and walked her back to her bed. Her disruption woke up the fitfully sleeping Josh but I ignored him while she had her little cry about wanting to be in my bed and I settled her back and said goodnight.

Then I picked Josh up and gave him a feed. I'm still breastfeeding and was fairly full since my breasts are still getting used to not having him suckle all night long. I'm pretty sure I put him back in his cot after that. But somehow during the night I must have got up again without even realising. Well that just stuffed up my whole let him cry it out.

Serves me right for being so tired. I had the opportunity to go to bed early but I wanted to get to the end of my book and I knew I would finish it before midnight so I had kept reading. I closed the book, satisfied with another delightful read, at 11PM and tossed and turned for the next hour trying to sleep. Then Kaylie woke up.

I must have got some decent sleep. I don't remember Josh crying at any time except that midnight one where I gave him a feed. I guess tonight I give it another go. We'd both get much better sleep if he would sleep through in his own bed.

I didn't end up doing either of my 20's yesterday and I haven't done them this morning either. Part of me is telling me that "I don't have to" It's sounding really childish so I can tell it's my Caliban side trying to get out of doing any work. The other part of me is saying, "You'll feel better if you keep to your guns. You promised yourself you'd get this time in every morning, I thought you kept your promises. Isn't writing important to you? Isn't writing your dream?" This voice is pretty effective but somehow it's easier to ignore. I suppose it's kind of like being able to tune out the guilt trip and snide insults my mother constantly has to say about my house. It hurts, deep down where no one sees, but it doesn't cause me to take action.

The mornings are just too early. It'll be officially Winter soon and it's so cold. I've got another frosty (not that we get frost or snow) walk to school. It's cold enough that it won't rain (does that sound funny? When it gets this cold there is no cloud cover, thus no rain ) Basically I don't want to do much of anything again.

Technically I'm on an upclimb from my low over the weekend. So it won't be long before I'm buzzing with energy and excitement about everything. I might quit trying to get 20 minutes of editing done in the morning and work on it during the day for as long as I feel like. I keep thinking I should print to edit (I've always found it easier to edit on printouts.) But I didn't want to waste so much paper when I know there is a lot of little errors I could pick up and perhaps a lot of sentence/paragraph restructuring to do. It's more like the second or third draft you print to catch those ellusive errors.

Anyway, I'm getting off track and this entry really isn't very interesting. I'm sorry to anyone who made it this far. I'll try to make an interesting entry tomorrow.