Mental Meanderings

Bad Weekend with Bright Lights

I'm on a low again. It's interesting having this journal because I can look back at my past month and see that it's been ten days since my last low. It will be interesting watching my cycles and perhaps I'll learn something about it all.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty miserable. I hadn't set up a time to do editing for The Dating Game. I did my twenty in the morning for the next story but since I didn't roster in another 20 during the day to edit The Dating Game it didn't happen. This morning I clicked the clock for a second twenty after it rang off my writing time.

I've realised I need more distance from my story. I've read so many romance books in the past and can easily see the good and bad points about them but with my own story I don't have that sort of perspective. I can edit it to tidy things up but I can't view the story and the way it's written and compare it with what is publishable. I suppose I'll continue on editing the basics and see what happens.

There have been a couple of interesting lights in my weekend so far. I didn't win the poetry RAW as I mentioned yesterday but Lunar split her winnings. That was fantastic, I felt so special. I got given a merit badge for poetry for doing so well in the contest and I sent Lunar a merit badge. Then later in the day I recieved another merit badge, from Dan in thanks for helping him. It was so special and I'll treasure that little merit badge. Thanks Dan, everyone go read Dan's journal and tell him how wonderful he is. ("Invalid Item" )

Going to my mothers today. I suppose they'll expect me to cook again same as usual. I don't actually have much to cook. This week we are living on tins. The storm took out all the stuff I had in my fridge and freezer so it's tinned soup, spaghetti and beans for the next week and a bit until I have a budget that allows me to replace the meat etc. I wonder what creative meal I can produce with what is in my cupboard.

I'd rather just climb back into bed and pretend the world doesn't exist today. Unfortunately with two young kids that's not an option. Paul is drifting further and further away. I don't mind on my behalf but I feel sad that he's losing connection with his kids. I'm worried that he's planning a full break and giving the kids space to come to accept his absense from their lives. He's going to the US next week for a month, he'll let me borrow his car while he's gone but I'm beginning to think he might plan not to come back.

I know that we'll be able to move on without him but it breaks my heart to think my kids might have the same non-relationship with their father as I have with mine. How could I have made such a stupid choice in husband? Why is it human nature to recreate their past. Women tend to marry men who resemble their fathers. I didn't realise I had until the relationship ended. Now, while I'm thankful for my kids I can't help but think of the mistakes I've made.

Melancholy, obviously, how about I shut up and let you all find something warm and bright about your own weekends?