Mental Meanderings

Still tired, and Is love worth more than tomorrow?

I attempted to sleep on my futon last night but I couldn't find it restful. It wasn't fair to think that my nice comfy bed was just a few feet away in the other room. Thankfully my being in the lounge didn't prevent Josh from waking during the night and crying his little heart out so I was able to return to my bed.

Tonight I'm going to start the technique Jo Frost recommends in her book, "Supernanny - How to get the best from your children" I ordered the book a few weeks ago and was finally able to pick it up yesterday. Not cheap but if she can help me as much as she already has then it'll be worth it.

Today I was writing chapter six of The Dating Game. It's coming along really well although I ended up missing a fair bit of chapter five. When I do my second draft I'll be able to fill in the scenes I missed. I'm a little teary eyed thinking about poor Emma and Jake. Emma more so since it's her that's in the most turmoil. She's also the one I relate to the most because a great part of her character is a reflection of me.

She's trying to come to grips with the fact that what she could have today is more important than the fact that she 'may' lose it tomorrow. Love, what is it really?

This is where the self doubt comes in. What the hell do I know about love? All I know is that each of the men I trusted in my life left me. From my father to my husband, men in my life just don't hang around. I've often felt the little girl assumptions that I'm just not worth it. My adult self knows that this is just the little girl in me reacting to a father who cared more about his other kids than he ever did me. Knowing it and having it reach my heart is two different things. How do I write about love if all I have of it is the hope that someday I'll find the one and only that will love me unconditionally?

I guess it's a case of pulling myself out of the story. Taking a step back and letting the characters Emma and Jake find it for each other. I mean I can't write of love for me, because I don't know of love for me. But these two, they have it, if they could just fight hard enough, could just realise that this love is greater than any pain. You can't go through life, living in tomorrow, you have to make what you can of the present and trust the future, to fate.