Mental Meanderings

Still not used to access visits

My heart is torn. My belly is acting like a washing machine and my hands are trembling. Why does this rediculous anxiety hit when the kids drive out of site. I know these fears are unfounded. The kids are going to be fine, they'll be home just after lunch and they are with their father, who can protect them better than anyone excepting me.

I get these irrational visions, car accidents, running across a busy intersection, falling, getting lost, being dropped, kidnapped, Paul not bringing them back, getting attacked by a dog, getting raped by a maniac, all these stupid, rediculous, one-in-a-billion things run through my head. I know it's just because I've lost power for the moment.

Normally I am in control of what happens with them. I'm in charge so I can make sure I've always got her hand when crossing the street. I know I'm being careful driving, watching out for other drivers, or at least I'm there in the car to make sure whoever is driving is being careful. For the next few hours I'm going to have to trust in the fates to keep them safe and bring them home to me.

Such faith does not come easily when it's my kids lives on the line. I can trust fate when it comes to getting pregnant in the first place, I can trust when it comes to moving on from an ended relationship, but giving my kids up to fate for a day, it tears me limb from limb with fear. I hope this feeling will get easier with time. I'm not used to access visits yet.