Journey through the Thirties

The First Day

I will not recall the first day of my thirties with fondness. The day started as every other. My husband woke me up to say goodbye and announced, "Happy Birthday. Um, I don't know how to say this to you, but Leonard didn't make it through the night."

Before you begin thinking that I lost an uncle or a brother, let me clarify. Leonard was my fish. If you are like many members of my family, you are probably rolling your eyes at the thought of my being distressed over the death of my fish. But Leonard was different. Leonard symbolized a time in my life. A transition. A change.

Leonard was my divorce fish. Technically, Leonard was a male beta, but to me he was so much more.

It was August of 2003 and I was getting ready to sell my home and move to another state. At the time I was living in Pennsylvania and going through a divorce. Since the day my husband left me for another woman I started having trouble sleeping. There were many nights that I simply got up at midnight after lying in bed for 3 hours and walked the streets of my town. This was something I could do in my town. I wasn't afraid of getting mugged. I left my door unlocked and simply cruised the streets with the Dixie Chicks playing in my ear.

These walks did little to soothe me but it was better than lying in bed for hours upon hours thinking about how this could not be happening to me. How could I be getting divorced at 28 and after only two years of marriage?

After my home sold, I purchased a little house in Maryland and began my move. My new town was nothing like the old one. Midnight walks were out of the question.

Before I left Pennsylvania, I met one of my neighbors who came to visit and see if I needed help with the move. We became fast friends and after I moved we stayed in touch. I often shared with him my insomnia tales and he, like a good friend, listened and sympathized.

Shortly after I settled in my new house, my neighbor came down to visit. He suggested that I get a fish.

"A fish?," I said, "What on earth for?"

"They are very calming to watch," he replied.

Thirty minutes later we were at the pet store picking out my new beta fish. I didn't need the responsibility of caring for more than one and betas are infamous for not getting along with others. It was a perfect match. Two hours later, Leonard was named and living on top of my dresser in a beautiful 1-gallon tank with an air filter and light.

To say I was dubious of Leonard's calming effects was an understatement, but I gave it a try. Night after night I would look at Leonard swimming with the bubbles. His magnificent colors shining beneath the light. It was only a matter of weeks before Leonard was watching me fall asleep.

His constant and calming presence helped me through one of the worst times in my life. The dark and lonely nights were no longer dark, nor lonely.

A year passed and my friendship with my neighbor grew into more. We were married last July and when I moved back to Pennsylvania, only two houses down from the home I shared with my ex-husband, Leonard came with me. He lived on the kitchen counter where every morning he would greet me by racing to the top of his tank for breakfast.

So, Leonard was not just a fish. He was my nightlight, my midnight walk, my companion and I will always be grateful.

Peace be with you Leonard.