Monkeys

It all boils down to this

Well, last night, it finally all came to a boil, and then up and over the top.

To spare details, I will just say that Mandi is moving out, and soon. I don't know how to fix this, or if I should even bother. I want to believe that I did the right thing and that it will be okay. But I don't know that I did, or that it will.

I say this because when you do something right, it shouldn't always hurt this badly. And it does. Like no one can completly understand.

I don't know what to do, where to turn, what to think....who to talk to. Who to hide from (and yes, I do hide.....in fact, I am right now). There is just so much.

This question was purposed to me last night when I said that I was going back to New York. "You would just turn and leave everyone of your friends out here?" I said that no, it wouldn't be like that. I wouldn't be running from them, or away. And then I turned the question around on her, when she said she was leaving, and she said that "Yes. I would." And that was it. Just like that.

But I am hypocritical, everything that my ears allow me to hear, I turn around, and Sarah is a liar. OKay, bring it on with me. But Sarah is not a liar, and should not be hurt like this.

I don't know. So many people who care about me have asked me in the last few days if I am okay. You know, I don't think I am. But I will be. Some day.

I am going to go back upstairs now, and try to smile and play with the baby. And hope someone who loves me will call.


STILL striving for Him,
Beckie