Monkeys

Less Than 24 hours now

Well, in less than 24 hours, I will be back in New York. The town where I was born and raised. :) Looking at the same things I looked at every day, literally, for years. :)

Am I excited? Heck yeah! I am looking extremly forward to being home. :) Home. What a wonderful word!

Home is where to heart is. My "heart" hangs in my apartment, as those of you, my r/l friends, have seen. My heart in the real sense? Well, I don't know where the heck it is right now. I had a lot of bad stuff go down on Sunday night. Some of it directly pertaining to Missouri. Enough of a reason to make me stay home. In New York. But then, something else directly related to NY that makes me want to seriously hurt Patrick's mother. But I won't. Because I am better than that.

But, let me tell you something, these last few days have really put things into perspective for me. Not in a particularly good way either.

Let me propose this to you.....you have 2 "friends" that are dating. Her mom calls you and wants to know if her daughter is sexually active. You don't know for sure. But she gives you a strong enough reason that you believe you should tell her what you do know. Not what you think, but what you know. The maternal parental figure then goes and talks to another of your friends, asking her the same thing.

So far so good, eh? Well, the maternal mother figure takes what you have told her, and what this other friend has told her, mixes it all together, gets up a really juicy story. Typical of people.....

Then she takes it one step further and tells your friends that are dating that YOU told her this, and this and that, and oh yeah, the other thing. You have no idea what is going on until you go over to her house and everyone is sitting around chit chatting, until it is time to leave, and then the boyfriend, a friend of yours for years....asks a question about all of this, but he wants to know why YOU have gossiped behind his back. No one else's name was brought up, just yours. All 3 of these people, the boyfriend, the girlfriend, and the maternal parental figure, sit there, all throwing out different things at you, and you end up getting called a liar.

You are offended right? *nods* Yup, I know that feeling. If there is one thing that I can say for certain about myself, it is that I am not a liar. I am a lot of things, but one of them is not a liar.

I posted a few days ago, saying that I knew I had lost a friendship. I did. And if there was ever a time when it was for certain, it was that night. Sunday night.....

My question to my friends was this.....why, if I am trying so hard to live my life for God, is this happening. This was the common answer. "You know you are doing the right things when everything goes wrong." Why? Because if you weren't doing anything right, Satan would have no grounds to get down on you. You know? It took me a few minutes to grasp this theory, but I did. And, oh, let me tell you.........it hurts. Sunday morning, I was so blessed, and then this. Ho long do I get to do this for?

Kato told me to lay it at God's feet. I asked how much more I am supposed to lay there. I have dumped so much in the last year....

He told me that God never runs out of room at His feet, to dump as much as I needed to.

So, I did. Am I still hurt? Yes. That won't go away. One of my closest friends has chosen a girl whom he has only known for less than a year over me. Someone he has known for 4 years. Not that it makes it right, but they say you should be friends first in a relationship. Not kissing friends, not friends with benefits. Friends. PURE friends. At this point, I don't care anymore who reads this.....my advice to you? Stop reading it if it bothers you, okay? You know who I am talking to, and funny, I never gave you my journal link.....

Anyways, there has been so much in the last few days...ups and downs...mixed emotions. You know? This one thing I know, tomorrow, I will be landing in New York....in Buffalo New York to be specific. And the only other thing that I know is next week, next Wednesday, I will be flying back here. Hopefully with a clear head. With an idea of how I want things in my life. Because right now, I don't know what I want.

But I still smile.

~Beckie