Monkeys

How do you know what you have and what you don't have?

*WARNING*
I am sick of not typing the truth in here, and sick of protecting some of my readers who are r/l friends of mine. It isn't that I am being mean in here, just honest. I will soon be writing in my other journal, one where no one knows me, or who I am. Until then, don't read it if you are afraid of what I may write.*

You know, when I first came to Missouri, it would have appeared that I was a lucky one. I had a lot more than most people who pick up and move do. I moved alone. I had a few things. I had Eric. He was a huge part of why I came here. Not just for him, to be with him, but because I needed to have him there. Moving anywhere else would have just pushed us further apart. I have known him for almost 4 years. And I only met him in person in October. But what an amazing friendship we had built. Then I had Kato. A person that I had only talked to this past September, and met in October. A wonderful friend. I had Eric's parents, whom I had met only a week and a half before I moved. I had a few of Eric's and Kato's friends whom, at that point, I didn't know very well. Sota, Scott, Buddah, Sarah, Wu, Puc and Gimpy. I had an amzing support system in New York. I had a church, and I had God.

Since I have been here for awhile, I have gotten Mandi back. Something that very few of you out there can ever understand what it meant to me. I have built an awesome friendship with Sarah. Turns out we really are alike. Very very cool. We have developed a late night ritual of midnight-ish phone calls and pajama parties. I can count on her, as can she on me. Sota and I have become close. No, we don't see each other daily, but when we do, it is time well spent. We chit chat. We confide. She knows things about me that few others here do. Scott? We have a great time together. Weather it is a bathroom party, or whatever, it is still amazing. The entire late night waffle house staff knows us by name, as well as what we order. :) Gimpy and I have only hung out a few times, but she is my girl. :) We laugh together, pray together. We see each other every Sunday in Church. How cool is that? (smiles)

Buddah? Well, I am just now getting to really know him. I feel that in the last week, we have come further than the entire 2 months. I love everything about him. I love his fire for Christ, his radience of God. His love for Sarah, which he can't do anything about:)

Wu? What a guy! I mean, how many 19 year old guys out there do we know that will sit and talk Bible with you and aren't afraid to let you know how much they love God? Plus, he gives great back rubs.

Eric? Well, I don't know what to say. We have had a few heart to hearts since I have been here, spent 2 hours alone together, and been at maybe 5 functions where the other one was.....

When I first was coming here, he and Kato were my best friends in Missouri. I knew I could count on them. Now, I don't even know Eric anymore. Perhaps I never did. But, this I can tell you, whatever it was that I did have, is long gone. I lost that on January 12th, 2003. And haven't been able to find it. I haven't given up on him, but I am not sure how much longer I can fight for a friendship that seems so one sided.

Kato? Well, I am beginning to think that I have lost him too. If I did, it was this last friday morning at 2:30am. Why do I know the exact time? Because at that minute, my heart fell. If you weren't there, you have no idea what I am talking about, and you don't need to know. But it fell hard.

I still have Eric's parents.....living with them or not. They have been one consistent thing for me here. I still have the amazing support system in New York. I still have a great church. I still have our wonderful God.

<sighs> I don't know why I bother with posting this. I really don't. I guess because yesterday was an extremly hard day for me. Full of emotions. I laughed at nothing, cried at everything. Cried for eveyone.

I couldn't pick myself up and just brush it off. I was irritated with 2 people who mean so much to me, but for no reason. I gave in at about 12:30am and called Sarah to vent on her. She really made me feel better, but all the same, gave me new things to look at, and new ways to look at the old things.

I am still unsure of exactly what I have and don't have, and more importantly who I have and who I do not have. I don't know who is true anymore, and who isn't.

Another thing.....

I found some letters a few days ago from a used to be very good friend of mine....
some quotes from it?

"No matter what, you always have me."
"You've been through a lot, let me soak up your hurt for you."
"I love you."

Lies. Not because now the distance is different, but because it is simply untrue. No longer do I have those "securities" if you will.

Well, okay. So, I have been brutally honest in here. If you are a friend, I am sorry if any of this offended you. But, if you are offeneded, remember that I already have tried to talk to you.....RELENTLESSLY about this and got no where. Well.....it is easier to type into a computer, and put it behind you...in the archives...than to talk to a wall.


One week from this moment, I will be in New York. Where I was born and raised. With people who carry me....even from a thousand miles away. Yeah, I'm coming back here. At least for the time being. But I know I just need to reconnect. With friends..new and old. You know? Here and there.

Finally having said SOMETHING,
Beckie
Phil 4:13