Journal

innocence looks good on you

well, its been a week or so since i have written. since i have written a lot has happened. i went on a weekend trip with monica and her older sister. went to a couple underground punk show, very fun. i also started smoking and got drunk for the first time ever. i am not really sure how i feel about that. in a way i really regret it because i was going against my beliefs and i feel like i failed my 10 year old self.
but in another i am glad i got it over with, people would always smirk at me whenever i said anything having to do with partying or when i spoke out against drinking. but i have now entered the catagory of "been there, done that, still not intrested". smoking is a different thing. i think it is discusting. but why have i continued to smoke through out the week? well still felt like i had to test my and everyone else's bounderies. monica was like a cat who had just eaten a pint of cream. dee yelled at me a lectured me. april guilted me. sandy was shocked. micheal was shocked, i had called him while i was drunk, later that night he started cutting himself. All week he has been guilting me. but back to smoking, i am no longer even slightly intrested. i minupliated dee into giving me a cig. she wasn't happy but she did it. i just wanted to see what she would do. at first she said that there was no way she would give it to me, but i reminded her that she gives a cig to everyone but me, and i'm her best friend. i was really in a twisted state of mind. maybe i still am, i don't know, all i know is i am going to try to get out of my job at taco hell and get a job at hallmark. wish me luck.