Monkeys

Grrrr

Okay. Last night and today seem to have put a damper on my soul. Yeah. You know how I know? For the first time....I left my job today, to go on break, and burst into tears. Me. Miss "I can take it" broke down. I had just had enough. Maybe of work, maybe of life. Maybe it was a combination of things. Last night was really rough on my heart. And no one seems to care. Now, I am not the type of person who sits around and cries, and does things for attention.....or whatever. In fact, people like that just annoy me to the point of no return. But, really. I can't talk about my problems to my friends in NY- because they just tell me to come home. Most of them anyway. Or they assume I am not happy here. Which I am. I can't talk about it to my friends here, because...well...I don't see them enough. I could I suppose. But I don't. Why? Because I am trying to meet lots of new people, and I have to spend time with them to get to know them. I can talk to Mandi- because she has been where I am. She still feels homesick. But, I just feel like I have no one. Katie Im's me and wants to hang out. Sam and Heather are fun to hang out with. Kato and I never seem to get together (although he promises next Tuesday), Eric, well- those early morning "Have a good day" comments muttered from my bed hardley can count. Frogger...well, We try, but never seem to connect. Sota has things to do. Joelle- well, I know that I will see her on Wednesday and Sunday- before and after church. (That is the same times that I am guaranteed to see Eric). Eric's Parents? Let's just say that I have gotten to know them really well. I have also gotten extremly caught up on school work. GRRRR-

It seems like I have a lot of people...but a lot of them are not my friends. Now, I am not saying that you have to spend all your spare time with someone to have them be your friend, but even then- it is nice to see them.

I feel like if I tell my parents that I am upset- about anything- they are going to ask if I want to go back. You know what? I honestly feel like I am supposed to be here. To stay. I don't know for how long....I don't care. That decision is up to God. I know I have a lot of people in NY who are literally praying that I come home. And that is not the right prayer. At all. People should be praying that God is giving me the wisdom to make the right decisions. Well, He is. I am not doing anything with out God's approval. I got myself into a bad situation once, and I will never do it again. I am trying to do the right things. And part of that is listening to God on every little thing. And every big thing. I am turning to Him. Because You know what? I can't do this on my own. I cannot make life changing decisions on my own. I mean, I could. But I won't. I will not end up back where I was. It is not going to happen.

A favorite song of mine goes like this:

"Are you standing at a cross road, wondering which road you should take? And you're dreading the decision, and a possible mistake. Well the will of God won't lead you where the grace of God can't keep you. You will never be out of His prayers. Just remember that the Lord's already there. Wherever you are, wherever you're going...God is right there beside you, seeing and knowing....So keep listening and learning, and continue on the journey, following the One who is the Way, cuz He's the only road you need to take..."

That song really ought to be what we all live by. Sometimes, we are afraid to listen to God, because we think that He cannot possibly know what He is doing. Why would He take us somewhere...in life...that doesn't make sense? Well, in God time, it does. And all in His time, we will see why, and understand. You know, when I think about faithfulness, I think about Abraham and Issac. Abraham was going to sacrifice his son....because he believed that was God wanted him to do. God was testing him. It wasn't until Abraham was actually about to do it, that God basically said "Okay- that's enough." Because of his faithfulness, Abraham was allowed to keep his son. I aslo think of Job. Satan put more on Job than I could ever handle. He lost his children, hi livestock, his home, he was smote (covered) in boils, and then his wife forsake him. And he remained faithful. Never once turning his back on God. And God gave Job 10 times waht he had to begin with in rewards for his faithfulness.

I cannot be afraid of God. I can fear where He is leading me. I still do not have a clue why I moved to Missouri. By all rights....things were against me. Really. And no body, and I mean NO BODY knows everything that was working against me. But I felt that God wanted me here. So, here I am. Until God puts me somewhere else, this is where I will remain.

You know, I guess I really was frustrated, because I sat down just to write that I didn't have a good day, and look where it got me....and I feel so much better. I really do.

Well, perhaps God puts the words into my heart to say this.....to help someone else....or maybe just remind me of my submission and faithfulness to Him. Regardless, I feel blessed. Like I have just been hugged.

Love,
The Bek
Proverbs 31:26