Monkeys

Yesterday

What a trip yesterday was. First thing, I went out with Jodi. Long over due! I had a wonderful time- talking about lots of different things. Knowing that she is there roks. Really. Next thing, a call to the Lawyer. Then, a return call to Jay’s mom. Why? I dunno. But she didn’t cry. She didn’t talk about the “what ifs.” She caught me up on everything in the family….the births, the birthdays, the Holidays. Good conversation. Yes, I was bugged when I got off of the phone with her. Why? She said a few things that hit my heart. She talked about some things that she has had to help Jay through, and they are some of the same things I have been through. I know where he is. And, naturally, I want to reach out to him. To tell him that he will get through it. I have. Oh yes, it still hurts. The scars are there. But, he can do this. Can I tell him that? No- it wouldn’t be my place.

Next, after dinner with my family, Joe and I went out. He made time for me tonight, so that we could talk. Just the 2 of us. In the safe confines of his van. No interruptions, nobody else. Just us. That was wonderful. I needed to talk to him. He needed to talk to me. I am going to miss him so! Then, he did a splendidly wonderful thing : He took me over to Daniel and Catherine’s house. I needed to talk to them, and I didn’t even know it. He knew who could help me…..

I sat on the floor, at Daniel’s feet, and just talked. And cried. I proposed this question to him. “If I do not return to New York in April, will this have been a waste? Will you be disappointed?” He told me that it would not have been a waste, but he will be disappointed. I can understand that. Here is the thing. I have not had a lot of stability in my life. Sure, my parents are not a statistic of divorce, I had a decent life. Until June 21st, when my marriage ended, and we lost our baby. I didn’t want to love again….never. And I did. Then I lost that. I have had betrayal by friends, family and people I barely knew. If you can’t trust your friends and family, who can you trust? My stability in my life at this moment is God and Patrick. A five year old. He has been the one there…..since birth. He has never stopped loving me. He has always had faith in me. When I couldn’t pick myself up, he did it for me. Now, am I walking out on him? Grrr! L These are the things on my mind. You know? These are the things on my heart. So, soaking up what little more heartache my body would let me, I came home. And I read my devotions from the book from Kato. This is what today said:

A Hunch and a Hope

Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction.
Mark 5:34 KJV

“Maybe all you have is a crazy hunch and a high hope. You have nothing to give. But you are hurting. And all you have to offer him is your hurt.

Maybe that has kept you from coming to God. Oh, you’ve taken a step or two in His direction. But then you saw the other people around him. They seemed so clean, so neat, so trim and fit in their faith. And when you saw them, they blocked your view of Him. So you stepped back.

If that describes you, note carefully,…one person [whom Christ] commended…for having faith. It wasn’t a wealthy giver. It wasn’t a loyal follower. It wasn’t an acclaimed teacher. It was a shame-struck, penniless outcast-[a woman who had been bleeding for twelve years]-who clutched onto her hunch that he could and her hope that he would.

Which, by the way, isn’t a bad definition of faith, A conviction that he can and a hope that he will.”

Now, my friends, if that wasn’t healing….what is? I have some insecurities. Not just about moving there, mind you. But about the decision I have to make in April. I will remember that decision every time I meet someone new out there….being careful not to grow attached, but then I wouldn’t be giving it my all would I? I can and will do this by the grace of God. I was so kindly reminded last night that God will not give me anything that He and I together can’t handle. Oh, and my personal favorite. The will of God won’t lead me where the grace of God can’t keep me.

~A some what more balanced Bek