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when i was little i don't think that i noticed that i was very different. i lived on the navajo indian reservation, with my family, i don't know why my parents chose to live there but it seems that they couldn't leave until now. my dad is a teacher and there is government houseing, in the begining that is probably why they came. a young family basicly broke with no plans on making roots in this disfunctional little town. why? i am not able to figure it out.
I grew up seeing my extended family about once every 3 years, which is probably normal, but my friends had more cousins in one town then an entire side of my extended family! i am not a quiet person, and living there did not make me "deep" or anything of the sort. ;) i have seen people like others but different. i know people who are related to great cheifs like geranmo and alchesay. this might sound like a lot of talk but its not.
i was a weird little kid, well probably not weird but i felt weird, i was chirpy and loved bright colors, while the kids around me had horrible struggles at home i was happy. i think i might have been over eager to make friends so people at school were wary of me. basket ball is like the community even on the rez, i don't play and i am not really intrested. i think that in basketball people can escape their problems. most of the kids i grew up with were on welfare and had family members that struggled with acochol problems.
i remeber hiding with a friend on a playground, she was terrified to go home; her dad was drinking again, and when he drank he was abusive. at the time i thought it was all a game, i didn't realize that she had to regularly watch her dad beat her mother and older brothers. she was a couple years older then me and i thought that she was the smartest girl in the world. about a year later her mother sent her off to boarding school and the next time i saw her she was cold, she had this far away look in her eyes and i just couldn't reach her. i was probably 9 when this happened.
i should menton that my mom opened and ran a day care center, the only one in our tiny town, there were about 15 women working for her, they were like my closest friends growing up. they never laughed at me and called me "white bread" it is amazing to me now that being called that could hurt so much, but it really did. back to the day care, i would look up to these ladies, they seemed perfect, they shopped from avon and curled their bangs up and teased them. while i was lucky if i remembered to brush my hair in the morning.
i could see nothing wrong with them. but as i got older my vision got clearer. Not all of them had graduated high school, some of them still talked and acted like they were in highschool. they all had children, and i think that only one of them was married, i am not saying that anything is wrong with this but it was a shock for me to find out that people could live together and not be married.
i think about 10 of the 15 were abused by their boyfriends while i knew them, one i actually witnessed and i have never been able to forget it, i'll just call her e. she had taken off work early that day to go grocery shopping in gallup, her boyfriend(i'll call him a.) came to the day care looking for her and he was drunk. at the time i thought he was just tired and smelly but one of my friends told me other wise, later that night he came to our house in a rage looking for her and their children, my parents threated to call the police and i wish that they had. it probably wouldn't have done much good anyway, the nearest police station was 20 miles away and they had there own problems there to deal with. but the threat scared him so he left, my parents and i walked to a friend of ours house after a. left, e's house happened to be right next to my parent's friend's house.
it was late evening, the sun was almost gone, it was still bright enough to see so i stayed outside hopeing to see e. when she came down the street i waved and she smiled and waved back, then to my horror i saw him. a was driving down the street in his huge pickup truck at about 90 mph, she was right in front of me, it seemed that time stopped for a second. i thought that he was going to stop. but he didn't, there were 6 kids in the car with e., a slammed into her poor little car so hard that it was pushed 30 feet and the back was totally smashed in. everything seemed to stop again, i had lost my voice and i screamed, i don't think that i have ever been so scared, then everything started back up again, e seemed to jump from the reck and a staggered out of his truck, she started screaming and cussing, my parents had heard, and my dad ran out to make sure everyone was ok, she seemed totally insane, he hit her, and they proceded to get into a fist fight. while they duked it out my parents ran to the car to check everyone, by some miracle everyone lived, no one had been in their seat belt but they lived, they were brused and bleeding but still alive. their parents were still screaming and fighting, i can't remember how that stopped but i remember that e and her children ran into their house to hide and a got frustrated and jumped into his truck and zoomed off. the rest of the night is unclear, we went to the emergency room, police station, and mcdonalds. what do you say to the kids (who were around my age (9) and younger) your mom and brother are in the emergency room right now, your brother was in the front seat and stood up when he heard the truck. he might have a broken neck. your dad is on a drunkan rampage. ?????
a got thrown into jail for about a month, i remember e saying how soundly she now slept, she didn't have to worry about anyone hurting her children.
as soon as a. got out of jail he was living with them again.
i was never able to talk to her again, to me she was like a hero, she was half white and teased as a kid, but she was smart and strong. why was she back with this man that indangered her and her children's lives?
that is one reason i will not get near achocol, some people can handle it but what if you can't? you can become insane. i really don't want to become like e, or a, so some call me a goody-goody. ironic, i want to live because i still haven't gone skydiving, gotten a tatto, fallen in love. yep thats me goody-two shoes (what does that mean anyway?)



Planet X,
I know you are struggling right now, it seems like you are alone in a dark abandoned fortress. Everything seems hopeless and bleek. You lay in that room flooding yourself with your own tears and wonder why. Salt burns your open wounds, you are in pain and don't know what to do.
But you must remember one of the basic laws in healing. Salt heals your wounds. I got a horrible cut when I was a child, the next week i went swiming in the ocean, as soon as the water hit my cut it burned like nothing i could compare to, but i ignored the pain and had the time of my life. The next day i looked at my cut and it was healed. The salt hurts but it also heals. I look back and what i have to show from it is a tiny scar. I know that it is different but i keep comming back to your wound from the past.
I know very little but i think that you need to move on if possible. You have friends, i know you may be unsure about that but they will be there when you need them, or just need to escape to their worlds. Bit by Bit you can rebuild yours. A fluffy pen is a perfect begining, but the animals are purple my dear as well as pink. And our anthem is "do you know the muffin man?" everyone is required to sing it daily. If only my world were that simple, as you know all is not what it seems.
;)
All hallows eve is fast aproaching, time for everyone to drop their masks and try on different ones. I wonder what to be, i have been the scary beyatch, princess, clown, and witch. I am not motivated, i want so badly to just be motivated. why is it such a hard thing?
Hope is always a good thing, what's the thing they say? They can take our curling irons, mascara, and eyeliner but they can't take away our hope? ok something like that.