Spasmodic Contemplations

Same Old Stuff

Today's just been one of those days, ya know? It started off on the bus; I got to hear all about how this sophomore guy "got off" in the middle of one of his classes...I know, charming huh? First of all, I just didn't feel like hearing that at 7:30 in the morning (or ever really, though sometimes I don't mind it as much), and second, it was worse because the guy that did it just disgusts me! Agh! Freaking idiots. But after that, it was okay up until...after school. Really, it was pretty good until then. In yearbook, I felt useful for once--got to edit an article Woohoo! And then after school, I got to help paint pumpkins for the honor society; we're going to send them to hospice people :). It was fun, though I find myself to be very uncreative. The only bad thing is, I had to be home by 4 o'clock to tutor, and I was running a few minutes late, so I had to get my friend to rush me home. I feel so bad. I shouldn't have done that; I take advantage all the time...So anyways, I get home, tutor, get paid, and find out this was the last week that I'll get to tutor the girl until 3rd trimester. Damn! Even though I only got paid $10/week, it was better than nothing.

Oh, but then, I start talking to my mom about maybe getting a job (been wanting one forever) at this learning center in town. My resrource/transition counselor said she might be able to get me a job their tutoring some students. So I thought, "okay, good. I need some money with all these fees coming up (esp. band...$80!)" But that did NOT go over too well at all. She starts that same stuff again, how I'm self-centered, selfish, never thinking of anyone else, ungrateful, blah blah blah. She blamed me for my piano student stopping lessons (I really doubt that it was me) and said some other pretty bad things. I guess I am pretty selfish, but not ungrateful. I tend to ask a lot of people I suppose (I'M SORRY), but I never was ungrateful about it. I do appreciate everything that everyone has done for me...really. And now I feel like shit because I know I'm selfish and self-centered...and self-pitying obviously. I hate not being able to drive and get my own job and pay my own fees and expenses. I HATE it! I'm a very independent-natured person trapped living dependently. And then my mom says that I might not be able to make it at college on my own. That I might have to go to the local college. I will NEVER do that...if I can help it. I'll be okay on my own, even if rehab isn't helping me at all like they said they would. I'll just have to figure it all out for myself and hope I don't get hit by a car crossing the freaking street. That really upsets me. First my mom, then all that stuff about rehab making all these promises to help me since I'm VI and then not pulling through. I'm just left hanging here, while they work with other people that aren't going off to college next fall and don't need the services as badly. Agh, how annoying! I really am worried about it...

And the money stuff...She acts like I don't need to get a job since I'm VI. But I know that it would help out if I could pay for some of my own stuff. Like, they just paid $80 for my graduation invitations and whatnot, but I could have paid that myself if I had had the money. But noooooo. I don't know. Eventually, she did say she would take me to that job place if it was only like, 2 days a week. Guess she felt sorry for me (I was crying). I honestly hope I get to work; I need the money. But I dunno...seems like they won't hire a high school student to tutor. Never know though.

All this college stuff is getting to me too. I mean, I kinda know where I'm going. Actually, I'm pretty sure I know. I would love to have some choice, but I really don't. Besides, UAB will be okay. It's a great school for what I'm going in to, and I need to live somewhere where there is good public transportation. So what better place than a city? But then again, I would like a private college better, or so I thought. I don't know now. Seems like smaller colleges would have more close-minded people and less diversity, which is what I'm trying to get away from. I hate smalltown life, and UAB will definitely be different from that. So I'm sure I'll be plenty happy there...or I hope anyway. I'm waiting to receive my acceptance letter so that I can go ahead and apply for the honors program. Hope I get in, but I don't want to write that essay.

Agh, gotta hurry now. Mom's nagging me to get off and go to bed. But I want to finish this first. Yeah, so besides all that stuff, my mental and emotional state is just...diminishing. I have no clue how to describe how I feel. It's a mixture of things, and it feels really weird. I'm tired of not knowing, tired of feeling this way, and tired of living like I have been for the past 17 years. God I can't wait til I leave. About 7.5 months to go! Woohoo! Anyways, I had more to write, but I don't have time. Need to go and study for a 6 weeks test in gov't and think about what I'll be for Halloween and sleep of course. Sleep is such a waste, but we all need it from time to time. Anyways, g'nite.