Spasmodic Contemplations

Many Things...

People are always asking me what's wrong. I don't really feel like explaining it right then, so I just tell them, "Many things."

So here I am again. I've been wanting to write in my journal for the past few days or so, but every time I think I might be able to, my mom is in the living room and starts nagging me about what I'm doing. So, it has taken me a while. The past few days haven't been all that great I guess...I don't know. It just seems like I've been more irritable lately, like, everything seems to annoy me or make me nervous or upset or something. When I was at church Wednesday, which, btw, I went only because my mom got all upset when I told her I felt really sick and didn't feel up to going (I've had a sinus thing for like, a week now...obviously I'm not allowed to get sick?), and this boy that I've known for several years was making all these stupid comments. You see, we (my class) were talking about how it is okay for Christians to befriend nonChristians as long as we don't be like them...uh oh, lol too late...and the boy kept saying stuff like, "Well, I wouldn't hang around gay people 'cringe' ewww...they're freaks..." blah blah blah. And then he started talking about this guy in his class who dresses kind of...gothic?...and is just really different you know...calling him a freak and weird and stuff. Okay, so he's a freak and he's weird, so what? Maybe this guy's a really nice person, you never know until you get to know him. But this boy (note: "boy,"...immature idiot) was saying that he would never talk to them, they're too weird. I just went off. I mean, just because someone is different doesn't mean that that person is some sort of disease or something that needs to be avoided--which is how most people around here seem to think. That is one main reason why I hate the South...people are so insular, so stupid! So unwilling to change or to allow diversity or to open their minds to something new or different. Gah.

Which brings me to my next point. My friend already made a point of this...Okay, so we were in class the other day (yesterday?) and this girl starts like, proclaiming to the world, "He supports abortion! He supports abortion!" Blah blah blah...yeah. Stupid. Anyways, so this guy starts yelling back, not really yelling but you know, talking loudly...he just wanted to defend himself. He has a right to that, right? So it starts this big class-wide argument that carries on through club period, and, I don't know. It just gets to me. So what if he supports abortion? I mean, it's not any of anyone else's business what he believes. I do not support abortion, I think it's wrong, but I can't make someone else change their opinion to think like me. My best friend supports abortion, so what? I can see where they're coming from--the Pro-Choice people I mean. It is the right of the mother to choose, but I still think it's murder. Those cells are alive. But the government has no right to take away someone's freedom of choice. Anyways, it's not a crime to think in opposition to someone else. But obviously this girl thinks so. She just thinks that everyone else is wrong, that she is right, and that we should all "turn from our wicked ways" and think like her. I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. She's so...so....ANNOYING! I can't stand that part of her personality. I have to say, though, my agnostic friend put up a good debate. Our class is full of good debators, but we don't have a debate team sadly. If we did, we'd kick ass...lol, especially if it was on a subject that we felt strongly about. And we all have pretty diverse opinions, so it makes for interesting conversations. Like in AP English, we're reading The Awakening. I think it's going to be a good book. Anyway, our class always gets caught up in arguments over what women are like, what we should and shouldn't be able to do...yeah. Most of the guys are like, "Women are stupid and irresponsible. They shouldn't be able to do this and that and blah blah blah. This is just a man-bashing book." I wish they could just switch places with women for once. I wonder how they would feel if all these women went around saying that they had no right to vote because they were incompetent, they can't think for themselves, they shouldn't have control over anything. This one guy said something like, "Women know what men want, but men don't know what women want." Well, instead of taking this opportunity to learn what women want, these guys just complain about it and refuse to listen. They make generalizations about us, accuse us of this or that, and then complain because they can't figure us out. But maybe if they would just pay attention to this book, to what we had to say, then maybe they wouldn't be so confused. But nooooo, they're just going to sit their and gripe and complain. Agh, that just pisses me off. Narrow-mindedness pisses me off. Another thing, one of my friends with whom I have every class, was accusing my "agnostic friend" of influencing people, corrupting their minds and how he should just stop, but isn't it "my agnostic friend"'s right to voice his opinion? Isn't there such a thing as freedom of speech here? He can say whatever he pleases; it is the choice of the listener to take his words to heart, to let his words influence them. They don't have to listen at all if they don't want to, but that's their choice. If they end up all "corrupted" or whatever, then that's their fault. That first guy, the accuser guy, was just being stupid. He's nice, ya know? But he just thinks he knows everything, thinks that everyone else is wrong and he is right (like that girl earlier), and is a freaking megalomaniac. He keeps saying how weird our friend is, how eccentric, strange, disturbing, just different..whatever...he thinks it's a bad thing. But that's why I like him so much--the weirdness. I don't like things just being always the same, predictable, boring, which is how "the megalomaniac" is. He would be a really cool guy if he just wasn't such a smartass and wasn't so conservative and wasn't so egotistical. Okay, so the agnostic guy is a little extreme (actually, a lot) but it's better than nothing.

Agh, the agnostic guy. What can I say? I still like him. It's driving me up the wall, but I'm sure I'll be okay eventually. I hate this...never-ending infatuation. He kinda dressed up yesterday, in all black (black and orange day at school) lol, but still. He looked nice, I think. He had like, black dress shoes, black pants, and a buttom up black shirt with the sleeves rolled up...it worked for him though. I liked the shirt...or him in the shirt? He's not all that cute, ya know, but it just made him look more, um, actually I can't describe it. I liked it though. I'm not all for guys that are really preppy or anything, but this guy didn't look preppy at all. Maybe it was the personality that went with it. So anyway, he actually went to the pep rally (lol, that was strange for him) and sat beside me and my best friend. We were like, "Wow, okay." He sat down a bleacher above us at first, then he moved down one, next to me. Omg, he looked really depressed. I wish I knew...anyways, I just kept glancing at him. He looked nice--not necessarily cute, but nice. And his hair...gah, I don't know. Something about it. It's blond and kinda curly at the ends and long and shaggy, lol, and I love it. Okay, not the blond part, but still. I just want to touch it, but I know that would be really, really bad, wouldn't it? I keep seeing it, memories of his face, his hair, I just want to touch it! Gah, it's this yearning. I yearn to touch, to be touched. I think it has to do with my senses in a way. Since my vision is so low, my sense of touch has made up for it; my sense of touch is my best of the five. So I'm a touchy feely person (lol), or at least I would be I think, if I had the chance. And I can feel the yearning, not just in my heart and mind, but literally, physically in my fingers. They tingle kinda...it's weird. And I keep seeing the hair, they eyes...it's haunting me because I know I can't. It's tearing me up inside because I know he'll never like me, never think of me. He's in love with another. Yeah, that's his choice; I can't do anything about it except just be sad. I read some stuff that he wrote on this other website, I don't suppose he knows unless he's reading this, and it...I don't know...it made me cry. He wrote this one--it was like his own definition of love, and this other--dedicated to the love of his life. "Sigh" Yeah, my sadness is my own fault. I shouldn't be reading that stuff, but I would still be sad anyway because I see him at school all the time. We're still friends I guess, but we don't talk much anymore. In fact, I couldn't tell you the last time he IMed me online. I IMed him the other day to ask about his sister (she's in band), but he didn't talk much. I really do want to talk to him, but I can't bring myself to anymore (guess it's nerves), and he never initiates conversation either, so oh well. It upsets me, but I'll get over it I guess.

You know what really gets me though? All the decent, sweet, nice, single guys are out there, but not here. I mean, I talk to them online, on this website mostly, and I know they're out there somewhere in the world. But none live here, where I am--very single. I'm not about to go out with some of these morons around here, and so I befriend myself with the few guys that are decent. The only problem is, they'll never like me. And there are all those guys, that are very likable, far far away. "Sighs." Agh, it's just aggravating and depressing.

So there is this one guy, who just went off to college, that is my friend. It's not like we don't ever see him; he comes home every weekend because he gets lonely he says. He gets all upset and depressed because this girl, "the Bitch of the Dark Side," lol, (that is mean, huh? But it's the truth) dumped him and won't go out with him. But she just keeps him there, babies him, treats him like her pet and uses him as a stand-by since she doesn't have a man right now, and he just takes it all in and goes along--even after she's dumped him. He keeps crawling back to her and begging, and she treats him like her pet. He's stupid, foolish. What can I say? He refuses to move on, get over her, realize her true nature and keeps on forgiving her for being the bitch that she is. It pisses me off. He gets all depressed because he's lonely, but there are girls at his college I'm sure. Why doesn't he try to make some new friends? I don't want him to forget us, but still. He needs to move on, to grow up. You know what else pisses me off? He chooses that girl over me. I used to like him, and I guess I still do a little. Why does he keeps taking her over me. Icky, his loss I suppose--maybe not. Stupidity...I hope he never reads this...lol. That wouldn't be good. Oh well. I should go now. I need to go read The Awakening. I have more to complain about (ahem, my mom), but I'm sure you really want to read that. So until next time, take care...