Spasmodic Contemplations

I Just Want Some Freedom!

Do you ever feel like your parents are trying to smother and control your life? What am I saying? Of course you do. Well, most teenagers do anyway. It gets pretty annoying I must say--it seems like I can't do anything without getting criticized or reprimended for it. I don't know. I can't wait to get out of here, out of the house, out of this small town and into college. Jesus Christ! I even risk getting grounded now for being online so late! Why should it matter to my parents if I'm online now? They're asleep (hopefully), and no one is calling. So what's the big deal? I think better at night anyway; it just seems like this is the most convenient time for me to be on the computer--for all of us. But what I would GIVE to have my own computer and phone line. That's one reason why I want out so bad. Once I get to college, I won't have to put up with sneaking to get online, to read certain books or watch certain movies. I can talk on the phone all I want, even if it's just to the same person all the time. I can cuss, I can eat, I can sleep all I want, so long as it doesn't interfere with my studies.

What really surprises me is that my mom gets mad at me for reading certain books i.e. Harry Potter, Stephen King (which she used to read herself), Ann Rice, etc. Why should it matter to her? She's not the one absorbing all the graphic details and cussing and what not. And who is she to tell me I can't? She did! God, I don't want her to be mad at me at all; I love her to death--we're so close. But she's too freaking controlling. Maybe she's trying to protect me, but I wish she'd just let me learn on my own. Why can't she just be happy that I'm not out doing drugs and drinking and getting into trouble? Why can't she be happy that I'm not pregnant already? I bet most parents would be ecstatic if they could get their children to read books and write instead of going out and partying.

And then there's the whole church thing. I know that I was raised in church and that I am supposed to be a Christian, but I'm just having questions right now. I feel so hypocritical when I go, and so I usually don't feel like going every freaking time the church doors are open. Why must she force me to? Is she trying to pound my salvation into me? Does she think that I will come back to being a zealous Christian if she just keeps forcing me to go to church and all? Thank God (hehe) she can't force me to do anything when I move out. She pleads with me to go to church down there in Birmingham and to join the Baptist Student Union, but what if I don't want to? I mean, maybe it would be for the best if I did; maybe I'll feel like a "renewed Christian" if I did. But I just don't want to right now. I don't know, I probably will join anyway, just so I don't disappoint her and I guess for my own good. I hate disappointing my mom, and I think that's why I'm so aggravated at the moment. We usually get along great, but here lately it's been getting to me. I must be going through another rebellious phase, trying to find out who I am (again). I just want some freedom!