Sarah's Life

If only a week

It's been a day since I last talked to him... and though we are on somewhat better terms now... It still needs space. One day in what is bound to be many many weeks to come. It's been 24 hours since I heard his voice last... 24 hours since I last saw him... It's never felt like this before. I've had pain, I've had hatred, I've had loss, and I've had joy at breaking up with someone... but I've never felt this... emptiness... before today. Something that had come to define me over the past few months is gone. What do I do when I see him next? It will happen, he works next door to where I work. What do I do when he comes into Chipotle to get drinks for the people working at his place that day? And when school starts? What then? Our mutual friends can just see us individually during the summer... but when school starts, we're going to be in close quarters. The last two times, that wasn't a concern. Kebeth doesn't go to the same school as me, and Elyas had "graduated".

I'm sitting here listening to the last gift he ever gave me - The Puddle of Mudd CD that I have wanted for a long time - because the song "Blurry" reminds me of him, and me, and us.

"'cause I am lost without you, I cannot live at all, My whole world surrounds you, I stumble then I crawl" -Blurry

And that really says most of how I feel, well, actually, the whole song does. He couldn't have chosen a better CD. Such a thoughtful guy - he even gave me my breakup music.

If only it weren't for his immaturity. If only he hadn't chosen the person he did to hate. If only I didn't feel I owed a debt to the person he chose to hate. But I do, and even if it weren't for that debt, I would fight for him 'til death. I've always been adamant that once people made it to my friends list, I would do anything for them. Only a few people have actually made it to that list. My now ex-boyfriend happened to choose one of the few that are near the top of the list. Actually, the guy he chose was just below him on the ladder, and since the whole issue of hatred was based on a lie, my friend got bumped up for a while. I guess now it's permanent.

He's acting semi-mature about it now... If only he had done that a week sooner... He finally saw what I was saying... again, if only a week earlier... Of all the fights to pick, of all the friends to choose, of all the lies told, why couldn't it have been something different? And the very ironic thing is, the friend of Munchie's that told him the lies about the friend of mine? I'm starting to hate him for what he did. I don't go after people unless they do something to me personally, and while his slander against my friend shouldn't have even touched me, it did. I blame him for the break up. I blame him for ruining not only a beautiful relationship that I had with someone I love, but for ruining our chances at staying friends after we broke up. I blame him, and it does affect me. It affects me in a place that most don't even think I have - my heart. I'm not a big fan of hatred, but when someone goes far enought to earn my dislike... well, I'm sure those out there who have been on that side of my personality would very openly say that it's not a plesant place to be. I have a temper. I have a very very hot temper. I love revenge. This guy had better figure out that I'm pissed, or he's going to be in for a hard ride next year. I've got the ears of a few of his "friends". I can use all of my past manipulations to turn against him... but I won't. I won't because he also happens to be the guy who saved Munchie's life earlier this year. And if he did that... I can't hate him. I am angry at him for spreading stupid ass rumours about a damned good friend of mine... but that's life.

Kgirlfae ~ Wanting