Sarah's Life

Gretzky catches the rebound... he shoots, he scores!

I find it odd how easy it is to give one reason for making a decision at the time of making it, and figure out the real reason for that decision months after it is made. I have very rarely given the real reason for my choices, and yet, after much thinking, I have come to a conclusion about why I made certain decisions in my life over this past year and a half.

A year ago... I did something that changed my life forever. (details end here). I did it because I thought I was in love. Then suddenly the realization comes that I did it because I was in love with someone other than the person I thought I was in love with. All my choices last summer were due to the fact that I was rebounding rather heavily from the biggest heartbreak of my life. A heartbreak that I brought upon myself, a heartbreak that I caused, and the pain from causing that person pain. I hated myself. I woke up every day, not thinking of the man I was telling I loved at the time, but of the one I had hurt. Every time I passed a place that reminded me of him, I wondered if he had forgiven me yet. I wondered if he could ever forgive me. I told myself I was over him. I told myself that I had found someone else, someone better. It was all bullshit, concocted to let me handle my pain. I was a chicken, I hid behind my supposed love for someone I secretly hated. Someone that I wanted to convince myself I could love, just so I would be over the other guy. No such luck. Time passed, the choices I made came back to haunt me, and I broke up with the rebound.

Two months passed, and my real love emailed me. We slowly started to rebuild a friendship, based on the fact that we "didn't care about each other anymore". I don't know about him, but I still loved him at the time. I was estatic, he had (at least in some part) forgiven me. Even better, we were talking again. I couldn't have been more happy... Until I started dating Muncher.

Up until a week ago, I was torn. I loved both of them. And this time, the current boyfriend wasn't a rebound, wasn't me trying to convince myself of something that wasn't there. I actually love him. So here I was... In love with two different guys, for two different reasons, and with my particular talent of shutting off a part of me to keep in reserve... And then I came to my decision. I realized that I had handled a year without my old love, but that I couldn't even handle 24 hours without Muncher. I still love the other guy, but... Well, that hasn't worked itself out yet... maybe now it will.

(here's to not editing the message of my post to hide my true feelings from people I know read my journal)

Kgirlfae ~ Wanting