Sarah's Life

Self Perspective

So I have been sitting, reading, working, talking, watching TV, and doing just about everything else I can think of doing, simply so I don't have to face myself. I've realized quite a few things about myself these past 24 or so hours. Things that I always knew under my surface, but I would never admit to. Things that I never wanted to face, but I knew I had to at some point in my life. Things that I hate about myself, and things that I use to make people hate me so I can avoid getting close. Things that just add to my maze.

I'm starting to realize how I see myself. And I hate it. I hate the image I have built up in my mind for who I am. I hate what I've become in my attempts to keep myself from giving a shit about anyone. And I really couldn't care less about most of the people surrounding me in my life. I convince myself before I get committed that things will never work. I worry about the chance that I'll get hurt in the future to the point where I lose really amazing things today. I get so caught up in what I could lose that I don't realize that I'm driving it away before I get the chance to lose it. And it makes me happy. It gives me so much pleasure to be isolated and alone, because I have myself convinced that it is better than risking the pain. And it was... Until recently.

When I look in the mirror, half the time I hate what I see. I look ugly to myself, and I feel ugly. I'll get to the point some times that I hate how I look so much that it depresses me to leave the house. But other times, I look in the mirror, and I'm having one of those "good looks" days, and part of me goes "Wow... I would screw her... she's hot", and another part of me goes "Don't say that. It's vain. If you say that you're no better than all of those popular girls that have the same looks as you." I hate the popular people for one basic reason, because I could so easily be one of them if I weren't so damned shy. When I switched schools in the 8th grade, I was determined to get in with the 'cool kids'. The second I got there, I was lost in a new school, and I did what my usual instincts told me - seek out the kindly help of the not so cool kids - because they will actually help you. I grew up at a school where my potential for future popularity was determined in Pre-school because some kids were picked up in fancier cars than me, or because pretty much all of the popular kids didn't need to look good - their parents were rich enough to give them all the clothes and such to make them cool. I didn't even have a chance. So, by the time I finally broke through into public school, I was so damned shy that I couldn't even bring myself to talk to the more popular sectors of my classes. So I just settled back into my old routine of saying how much I hated popular kids.

I hate feeling vain, I hate realizing that, hell, I'm not that bad looking. I am actually likable when I'm not being a bitch to people to keep them from liking me. I'm not even entirly sure why I do that anymore. I know that at the private school it kept me safe from the taunts of the other students, and that it gave me an edge after I took some hold on my temper, because I could shut myself off from the emotions of the other kids and bitch them out without feeling bad about it. I got in the habit of picking on my friends in private school too - of my 3 good friends, for the most part, they had the same or lower popularity ratings than I did. Sometimes I would mock them just to push myself higher in the esteem of the popular kids... and that's the first time I've admited to that. After a while, it became a joke with me, seeing how many insults I could trade with my closest friends. Basically, because I knew that all it really did to us was harden us to the actual mocking of the people we didn't consider friends. It let us build up our defenses in a more 'safe' manner. The only problem was, it became a habit of mine. I started doing it with my new friends, not out of necessity, but because I really have no clue how to deal with people otherwise.

I spend so much of my time saying how much I hate certain aspects of society. For the most part, what I say I hate, I do, but in many areas, I really don't think my beliefs stand up to logic. I don't believe in abortion, except in the cases of rape and when it is physically harmful for the mother to carry the child to term. But last summer when I had a scare about whether or not I could be pregnant, the main thing floating through my mind was that if I was pregnant, that I would get an abortion - and my two little rules didn't apply to me. I'm a hypocrite in every aspect. I can set down my beliefs, but I don't have to adhere to them myself. I have always believed that the best way to deal with criminals was to throw everything at them that you could - screw rehabilitation, just go straight for the throat. And then a good friend of mine was on the recieving end of our justice system... and all I wanted, all I want, is for him to get off as easily as possible. Half of my beliefs are just sitting there because I don't want to go along with the crowd. Because I'll do anything to avoid becoming a sheep.

"So original in her black lipstick
Listening to some obscure band
But isn't she pissed at all the other non-conformists
who listen to that same obscure band
But thats OK shes helping the enviroment
By sipping on pure water and such
Then screams we better start thinking about the OZone
layer, While tossing out a Styrofoam cup"
         -New Radicals, Jehovah Made This Whole Joint For You

I really hate myself for the most part. And I reflect that hate onto anyone but myself. I will never take the fall unless I have to, never take the blame if I can push it off onto somone else.

Damnit all to hell.

Kgirlfae ~ Wanting