Sarah's Life

Peace

"These dreams we've left abandoned"
          Stabbing Westward

It's funny, for the past two days, I could barely breath, much less think. Someone whom I loved, and love, very much really dissapointed me (hence the censorship on the last entry). I was so upset, so crushed, that it felt like a huge part of me had died. Here was someone I really care about, showing me what a hell his life is, and expecting me to accept the fact that he came and made an ass out of himself at my school. I learned alot about my life two nights ago. I've learned even more the past two days, as I've tried to process the thoughts going through my head. I've been trying to piece the images of somone I love coming to a public place slightly drunk with the pictures of that person when I really loved them the best (and there are 6 months worth of those). The happy images of this man are all that got me through some of my tougher days the past few months. As you've probably gathered from past entries, sometimes my life can get quite rough. My memories of this person helped me get through. And now they are tainted by the image of him tipsy at my choir concert. It's been very hard for me to absorb it all.

"Sometimes it hurts to lose the one you love"
          Stabbing Westward

That changed today. I went on a hike with my dear friend, who is more like my sister. She was there at the concert, and one of the things I talked about with her was the events of that night. The past two days she, and another "sister" of ours, have really been my pillars of support as I try to assimilate all the images in my brain. As we walked up the side of the mountain, I looked around me at the beauty of nature. I felt the peace of the day sink into me (not to mention the fact that I'm now on christmas break, that helps some). As I did so, I realized quite a few things.

First, it's his choice what he wants to do. If it makes him happy, then he should do it. Really, that's all that matters to me, and I will deal with the pain if it turns out that in order for him to be happy, he has to forget about me. Second, I am very loved. I have good friends, I have two "sisters" who are there for me no matter what, and no matter how hard it is on them to hear my problems right now, I have a very supportive family, and in general, I have more people around me who are there for me need be than I have ever had before. I realized that yes, I do still love the guy, as I probably always will. I know that he will alway hold a very special place in my heart, and that I will never truly get over him. He is, and was, my world. But it has become clear to me that he feels he must do his own thing at this point. Whatever his motives for coming drunk to my choir concert, they are his.

I have chosen to trust him, to let my love for him outweigh my need for him. I have decided that if my path and his are not ment to be touching anymore, then the gods must have some reason for it.

"But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night I was dying"
          Stabbing Westward

I have made my peace with the world. I have decided to let things hit me as they will. The pain isn't gone, but it has been diminished. I hope in my heart that he won't decide to leave me, but if he does, or if he already has, I pray that he knows I still love him just as much as ever, if not more. Pain is something I have grown used to, but this one has been so new. I have always embraced pain before, lived with it, grown with it, and for the first time in my life I found myself wishing it all were a dream.

I do not think he understands why I was upset. I wasn't angry, I wasn't mad, I was dissapointed, and sad. I had missed him so long, and if he had come sober, I know I would have enjoyed talking to him, regardless of the other circumstances. I would have loved knowing that he was happy, and that he was doing fine. When he showed up in the condition he was in, it shocked me. I couldn't think.

"I guess it's time to face the truth
And admit my past mistakes
Come to terms with all that's wrong with me
And all the things I'll never be"
          Stabbing Westward

I love him, I release him, I will let him go his way. If the gods will, may our paths cross again, but until that time, may they grant him happiness, love, and all he needs.


Kgirlfae ~ Wanting