Sarah's Life

If I hadn't laughed....

"Have you ever realized just how much of life is pain?
Have you ever just wanted to do it all over again?
Does everything you do just seem like it's not enough?
Do you ever think that life is just too tough?"
          - From the poem "Breaking Hearts" not in this portfolio.



Have you ever noticed that just as you may be able to finally forget your pain something reaches out and reminds you? It can be anything - an old haunt, a picture, a memory triggered by an expression, anything. And once you remember, it makes it that much harder to forget.

But at the same time, just as you can be reminded of the pain, you can be reminded of hope. At a time when you feel incredibly alone in the world, something will remind you that you're not. For me it was a simple piece of paper.

This last week i have been going through both the rememberance of old pain, and experiencing new. I was feeling quite alone by the end of the week. Then, during choir, I was reminded that I'm not alone. I was sitting on top of the filing cabinets that we keep all of our old music in (a popular place to sit), looking down at the ground. There, sitting on the floor, was one of the lables form the filing cabinets. This in itself was not odd. During breaks in rehersal, people have a habit of taking those out for some reason. But this one was different. Last year I helped file music with my boyfriend at the time (wolflord). We re-labled all of the cabinets, seeing as how almost all of the labels were gone, and those that remained were inaccurate at best. The lable I saw sitting on the ground was one of the ones Elyas had made. If I hadn't laughed, I would have cried.

See - a month and a half ago I broke up with Elyas, whom I still consider my soulmate. When I saw that paper I remembered some of his parting words to me - That he'd always be by my side.

Suddenly I didn't feel so alone.

I realized two things this week - there is an immesurable amount of pain in thie world. Everywhere you look there is pain. It can be forgotten for a time, but almost anything can bring it back. For me it was going to a school dance, it was talking with friends, and it was reading old notes.

But there is also an immesurable amount of hope in the world as well. Something as simple as a piece of paper can remind us that we are not alone in the universe.

It's just a matter of how you choose to view that paper - as another painful memory, or as a reminder that you aren't ever truly alone (except when you go to the bathroom of course - it'd just be weird otherwise).

If I hadn't laughed, I would have cried.


Kgirlfae ~ Wanting