GWEEP!

Christmas Teaser One

[Portentous, or possible pretentious music]

VOICE-OVER: And now. Live from the Budleigh Salterton Ballroom, Gymnasium, and Women's Yoga Classroom (Thursdays - Appointment Only), brought to you by the Capering Cavy Company, (Director Angus Brosnigag), sponsored by Starkwell's Interminable Banjoleles and Aftershocks, we bring you those pinnacles of Ventriloquistic Eloquence and Masters of Mirth.... The Guinea Pigs!

[Musical sting]
[Wasp sting]
[Antihistamine Application]
[Ahem - sorry - let's get on...]

GUINEA PIG ONE (Ralph): Has he finished?

GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby): Just about. I'm sure he gets longer winded every week.

[short ominous pause]

GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): Gottle of Geer, Gottle of Geer, Gweep!

[loud applause (Dubbed)]

RALPH: I heard a rumour.

TOBY: Ooh! Have you been watching The Umbrella Academy?

RALPH: Noo. I heard a rumour that we're going to be in a Christmas production.

TOBY: Where did you hear that then?

RALPH: From our agent.

TOBY: We have an agent?

RALPH: Of course. We've become rather popular in the WDC Newsfeed, it's bound to lead to bigger things, so we've acquired an agent.
GRAHAM: Removes stubborn and persistent stains quickly and easily.

RALPH (Long sufferingly): Graham, it's not a cleaning agent alright. We've talked about this.
TOBY: What's their name then, this agent?

GRAHAM: Bond, James...

RALPH (Interrupting hurriedly): Murray Minty.

[Brief pause whilst the three consider this]

GRAHAM: Murray Mints, Murray Mints, Too good to hurry mints.

RALPH: Thank you Graham, he is in fact not a boiled sweet. He's a hard boiled agent, dedicated to making us stars, or more importantly rich.

GRAHAM (Inexplicably adopting a French accent): Takes a wee percentage but he's not greedy.

RALPH: Mr Minty takes a mere 45% plus expenses.

TOBY: 45%!

RALPH: Plus expenses. He charges a lot because he's unique, and the best agent who's a rat in the business. And, And he thinks he's got us a Christmas booking.

GRAHAM (Unexpectedly interjecting lucidity into his outpourings): What's that then, cutesy animal nativity play for Children's Television?

RALPH: Err! Yes. Actually.

TOBY: What are we playing then?

RALPH: The three wise guinea pigs.

[Toby and Graham exchange glances]

RALPH: We do get to wear little crowns.

TOBY (Unconvinced): Riiight.